if You'll be the Answer

Criticisms

2012-01-29T23:30:00.002+08:00

i work means so much to me... that criticisms are so hard to heard.

They are even harder when they are my own doubts.

Why do I do this to myself?

Right after that, I become so uninspired i just want to be in bed. and i honestly, don't like being in bed, unless it's raining, or its right after i wake up. Cos i hate wasting time.

So being uninspired, truly sucks.

I feel uninspired.

2012-01-26T14:00:00.001+08:00

Worst feeling ever.

The problem is -

2012-01-24T23:42:00.002+08:00

I 've had a pretty chilled/intense/fruitful week.

Or weeks.

A part of me feels upset with myself for not chronicling all that has happened. But I do not what words would suffice really.

I got thru my first Journ tutorial - which is a really big deal to me.

I had an awesome possum 6 day break and tmr is the only day I'm going to school for the week (officially :) ) .

I had a really good time with my dad and siblings today chilling at my aunt's.

I got to ask my dad about my parents' relationship when they were younger. And all that mushy stuff.

now I'm suppose to be packing for school tmr but instead I'm chatting with Palvin.

and well, I have since discovered that I am an even bigger skeptic about relationships and love than ever before. Hence the title.

tonight is not the right time to discuss my cynicism about the L word. I'll save that for another day.

nsyuhh.

The Punchline.

2012-01-11T19:14:00.005+08:00

I wanted to blog about this earlier but I couldn't find the time.

So here goes...

Yesterday, I was just on my way home from school, in the train and I kept smelling funny stuff. From Boon Lay to Jurong East and then it happened again toward Admiralty.

So the normal thing to do when you smell something funky, is to blow hard right? I mean, to get rid of that smell in your nostrils.

So I started blowing my nose and without realizing it, I blew onto this lady's arm who was holding onto the train poles.

*slaps forehead*

So i was apologetic but because I was so embarrassed at my uncivilized act.

Then she spoke to me in Malay something along the lines of "It's okay".

So I was thinking to myself, why is she speaking in Malay, and I just smiled politely and turned away.

Then she started the conversation, asking if the train will stop at AMK.

So I said yes.

By then I was 2 stops away rom Admiralty.

And then we started conversing and somehow we managed to talk about her work, where she is from, where my maternal grams is from and before I knew it...

She asked to exchanged numbers so we could go out and have "teh" or tea together (since I don't drink, clearly).

I was stumped but of course it's not polite to reject an offer so I said yes, and we exchanged numbers.

And right before I got off the train, she told me to give her a miss call, and I did.

And so a stranger I met in the train, 2 stops away has my number and invited me to have drinks.

As i walked out the train, all I could think off was: WHAT THE HELL HAPPENED? AND...

... WHY COULDN'T A GUY DO THAT WITH ME?!?!?!?!

WHY?

Life is hilarious. But this time, it's laughing AT me. And I am reluctant to laugh back. Although, yes, I get the joke.
I get that I'm the punchline.

nsyuhh

Laugh. Loud. And. Hard

2012-01-03T19:46:00.003+08:00

I laughed with my mum today.

Like really really hard.

So hard my tummy hurt.

That is what it must feel like... a full heart.
Sometimes, that's what I think, you know. that you only have a full heart when you're laughing your loudest. The kind that feels like your tummy is about to rupture from all the heaving that you have to put your hand over the tummy and curl up cos it hurts so much but you know you want it to go on.

Even though all you're saying is: No.. Stop! Stop making me laugh! My tummy hurts.

I always secretly want those moments to continue. Laugh till my eyes tear.

I know I have a really ugly loud boisterous laughter. But that's the only way I know how to laugh. It's like if you're not laughing hard, you're just not feeling the emotions thoroughly. That's what I feel.

I hope that if i ever have a man in life, that he would make me laugh like that once in while. Laugh till i tear, till my tummy hurts. And I hope he laughs so hard with me too. And we can both look ugly, insane and yet be completely in love with each other.

Maybe.

Here's to 2011.

2011-12-31T20:29:00.010+08:00

Kieran's video

Hi everyone.

So I just bawled my eyes out watching a video (not the one above)... but the ones below.

Ben's videos

But I was inspired to write here because of Kieran's video.

As you may or may not have known, when I was 14-ish, I did think of suicide. It was a very very difficult part of my life.. I'm not proud of it, I don't talk about it a lot because that 14-year old is truly a different person from the 21-year old me today. I had family problems, school wasn't a great place to be because of all the peer pressure and was only worsened by my really low self-esteem. I felt neglected, alone, and was in so much pain both mentally and emotionally.

So what has changed? A lot of things. And while many things with the family are still unstable at times, it's good to know that I still have a family, one that truly cares for me and many other things in my life have been stable.

I'm so proud that I am here today, despite going through a rough teen-hood and I truly believe that everyone you meet is a survivor in their own way.

And as we enter 2012 in less than 4 hours, I do hope that no matter how hard my 2012 will be, I will always, always remember these 10 things that make me smile.

1. God

I come from a family that tries to be religious. And we do not always succeed. But we try. But i think this second half of my year, I have undoubtedly neglected God. And I hope that 2012 will see my faith renewed.

2. Music

This is probably the only thing that has been constant yet ever changing. I remember distinctively the band that helped get through my darkest hour. The Used. Without exaggerations, they saved my life even before God did. I have since turned to several bands like Blue who I remember listening to as I stayed over at my aunt's cos my mum wanted us out of the house. Simple Plan's Perfect seemed so surreal because it talked about my relationship with my mum to the T. Good Charlotte for telling me to "Hold on". Then there was Asteria, who I listened to the night my brother broke my heart. All Time Low for accompanying me through my train rides and my bad nights when I would cry because I didn't feel good enough that night. You Me At Six for making me believe that I was indeed "married to the music" and A Day To Remember for reminding with every song that I had to stand up for what I believed in, even if there is a whole crowd that is against me and my beliefs.

3. My dad

He is my hero. My best friend. My pillar of strength. People always say that I give off this vibe that I don't need boys or that I have high standards... but it's only because I believe that there is someone out there that truly is as outstanding as my dad. And really, as a 21-year old... The only "boy" I need is my dad. If my dad went through all that he has, why can't I?

4. My 1st younger brother

He can make me angry, he can poke fun at me and call me fat, and he can do every rebellious act there is in the book, but he will always be my little brother and I will defend him and his antics forever. He is so different from me and sometimes, I envy him becomes of that.

5. My littlest brother

That dude can break my phone screen and yet, he'll be my favorite person all year round. He is after all, the only boy that allows me to still kiss him. He cheers me up instantly even on my worst days, when I'm worn out from school and life, and I truly believe that while the pregnancy was unplanned by the parents, he was planned by God. And God always knows what's best.

6. Mun Ling

She made my secondary school life so much better. I mean, I met a lot of shady people, and I basically learnt the meaning of shady there, but she was everything but shady. She stood by me and how great is that we're best friends till today. We've grown up so much and yet, we still somehow managed to stay so close. If we ever get distant in the future, I hope she knows that she helped me become better because she was my role model. She was better than everyone else in that school.

7. Nicole Tan

I'd like to believe that Nicole and I are like the biggest doofuses ever when we are together. With her I can cry, I can gossip and she just goes right along with me. Her faith in God, is admirable. And how we've managed to stay as close as we were in JC is beyond my ability to understand. Thank you for your random notes, that keep me going, your text messages when I'm down and just you. Thanks for keeping me grounded and thanks for making me believe that I am awesome as I am. You've always been a supporter of how big of a dork I am. Bless you and our dorkiness :)

8. Melissa, Siew En and Safarina

You girls are like my anchors. You always hold me down. And our gatherings are always a needed break from real life because with you girls, the world is pink, full of bubbles, laughter, and people tripping, saying stupid things and auto-correct is the biggest evil thing to exist. Thank you for the laughter and thank you for sticking by me through everything. And thank you for your consistent reminders on how much I suck at Monopoly Deal. Cheers to that!

9. Shermin

I think you're the first person who I could relate to. EVER. You're probably the most motivated person I have ever known. And if anyone helped me through the last semester, you did. I would like to think that we helped to make each other be better... and how we are both honest with each other is rather refreshing. You put a smile on my face because I was once told to trust only 5 people in university. And I'm proud as hell to say, you're one of them.

10. My mum

Our relationship is proof that even when some thing is dysfunctional, it doesn't have to be completely bad for you. It can still be a great life lesson and it can make you a better human being. After our 28594092729 fallout of my 21 years living, it seems that you have made greater efforts to be closer to me. Never have I thought of taking a train ride with you alone from fear that we might just end up shouting at each other but we did. And that train ride has also taught me something very interesting about you and I. All the while during the train ride, you kept "pressuring" me to take the seat. You kept saying that I was "afraid" to take a seat in the train. And that was YOUR opinion. But mine was that, I didn't mind standing. I'd rather you or some other people take the seat. And while it is a poor example, fundamentally it shows how you've always kinda "pushed" me to do things. Even if it was in a bad or good way, even if it hurt me, you always pushed. And that helped me be the person I am today; opinionated and honest. Sometimes, it takes someone to constantly push you around for you to find a voice that is yours; to be loud and to stand for it. So thank you for teaching me something about us that day. And as much as I always say I don't want to be like you... I know that much of what I've learnt, is from you. So while there were many times I was angry at and with you, tonight, I want you to be the reason I smile as I look back on 2011. I'm not perfect, and I shouldn't ask for you to be.

****

It is undeniable that there are many other things in life that make me smile. My grandmother, my WHOLE family, but the ones above i guess make me smile and influenced me. I feel like 2011 passed by too fast. The first third of the year was filled up by Y1S2, then the summer holidays flew by and the last third of the year was just filled with Y2S1. It all passed by way too fast.

I felt like I was not able to have a grasp of the year fully and I hope that in 2012, I will have the added consciousness to have a better grasp of the year. Perhaps be more goal-oriented. But being 21 and well, going on 22, it's great to know there are still great possibilities for me, if only I would take them. I would hate to sell myself short and to fail myself.

Here's to 2011, but may we all have awesome-r 2012.
In whatever ways we may want it to be.

Most importantly, thanks for being the important people in my life.

nsyuhh

2011-12-28T13:14:00.002+08:00

So the holidays are zooming past a lot faster than expected and trust me when I say, I expected it to be fast.

I am now, lying not he bed, underneath by comforter with a bottle of stickys with me.
Shall I just say, I am contented, for now at least.

Yesterday, I was on the couch and teevee surfing, watched a whole bunch of shows + reruns.
I swear i only got out of the couch for food.

And there you have it.

My problem.

The problem is every time I'm home, just chilling, I eat like a mofo.

Like the mouth just itches to eat SOMETHING. ANYTHING.

Its horrible I tell you.

Anyway, I checked out Oliver Sykes' tumblr today. That dude... I mean, besides his "Worship Satan" deal, he is a cool chap.
And no, I do to worship Satan and will not, but I am a grown-ass 21 year old who can admire or at least appreciate people who have different (or very different) viewpoints from me.

Anyway, Imma jet. I figured I'd write something here since I've not done that for some time.

nsyuhh.

Lost...

2011-12-23T19:41:00.004+08:00

... for words, yet i will write.

my GPA didn't match what I thought was a good semester. And I always thought that was okay. But when I saw my two C+ for my two Communication modules, something inside of me died.

Questions started invading my mind. Questions I haven't thought about since the end of Y1S1.

I started thinking...

Am I cut out for this module?
Was I not focused?
What happened to the time?
Was I having too much fun?

Am I then getting complacent?
I hope not, complacency kills creativity and capability.

...in my thoughts of the future.

Would anyone hire someone like me with a low GPA?

If I drowned under the workload of Paparazzi, then what about future semesters where I will be drowned by assignments?
Will I be able to pull it off?

I still don't know what I'm good at...

I only know what I love.

And I'm starting to realize... it's not the same thing.
Will it ever be the same thing?
I hope so.

I always believed that if you work hard enough at something, you will get better at it...
I still want to believe so badly in that.

*
*
*
*

My biggest fear is mediocrity.

To be mediocre.

Being lousy sometimes can't be helped sometimes, you just suck at some things... but mediocrity, is a choice. You choose to be mediocre.
For feeling satisfied at "okay", "good enough".

But what I'm starting to realize is that sometimes, people want to be great by their standards. Not mine.

Just like how I want to be great by my standards and not others.

And there's really nothing wrong with that. With wanting to be great by YOUR standards.

So, where does that leave me now?
What is my greatness?

I'm lost there again. I use to know. I use to believe I knew.

But now, I'm just not sure.

Everything about my GPA kinda threw me a curveball.
(But it's just a number.)
Not to my dad and not to society

Have faith in me --

2011-12-20T01:34:00.005+08:00

My dad is my hero.

Because no matter what, he knows better.

And no matter how hurt I am by the biggest or smallest of things,

He rebuilds me.

And tonight, despite it all, i will sleep soundly.

I have a lot to say but its 1.30 in the morning, and I have more audio stuff to work out for the film short.

Have Faith in Me || A Day To Remember

I said i'll never let you go, and I never did.
I said I'll never let you fall and I always meant it.
If you didn't have chance, then I never did.
You'll always find me right there, again.

This accompanied me tonight, thank you Jeremy McKinnon.

2011-12-19T22:57:00.001+08:00

im so fucking upset.

La, La La La, La La La

2011-12-11T23:09:00.003+08:00

I'm thinking more and more about you.

I wonder what you're doing
Who you're with

I'm filling up all my time.

Side projects, new friends,
getting closer to friends that I've met

And I swear that if they didn't take so much time
I'll be thinking about you even more
than I already do.

I want to tell you everything.
My new friends. These new bands I love.
My favorite songs. These comics I read.
My fears for the future. My future.

But I think you won't understand.

And whose fault is that?

I always knew that we'd always grow old
but
never
grow apart.

Right now.
You. Me.

We are worlds apart.

When I talk to them, and I talk about you
i always wonder if
you're the same person.

But surely you're not.

****

I don't know how i want to end this thing.

But anyway, I've been busy with the film short but it's so great to see my script come to life.
I've been the gaffer for this film and it's been exhausting but such a great experience.

It's one of those things when you are in the act of doing it, like when you're filming and you're holding the boom and all that, you don't feel how tired you really are.

It's only when you start packing up... and you're just sitting down talking about the next day's shoot that you start realizing how tired your legs and arms are.

But I can't complain since this is what I really love to do, and I am looking forward to testing and pushing myself next semester.

Editing will start on Tuesday and I will also be seeing my really awesome friends for Starbucks and Pizza Hut!
The last time we met was in September and as much as I love my university friends, sometimes, its nice to get away and come back to your roots.

*****

The days are melting together.
Maybe that's a sign of how much time is passing
me by.
I have no regard for time now.
I take things day by day.
I spend it according to how I like to.

I make promises to meet up with everyone but you.
Dinners. Lunch. Birthdays. BBQs.

I have no regrets when it comes to you.
Because you have to lose some things and some people to put other people and things

into perspective.

Hopefully, I'll stop thinking about how much I miss knowing you are around.
And get use to knowing that

you aren't.

****

Listening to A Day to Remember - If it Means A Lot to You

Hey Sweetie
I need you here tonight

And I know that you don't wanna be leaving me
yeah you want it but i can't help it
I just feel complete when you're by my side.

But i know you can't come home till they're singing

La, La La La, La La La.

God knows.

2011-12-06T13:42:00.002+08:00

I got the modules i wanted for YEar 2 Sem 2.

How time flies. Im already in here and before I know it I'll be doing my internship.

And then you ask? What do you see yourself doing for the internship?

I have no idea.

Mediacorp?
SPH?

I have no idea. And that scares the hell out of me.

But I guess that means possibilities too.

So, this semester, I'm clearing my journalism and broadcast core. AT THE SAME TIME. and it scares the shit out of me.

Im like thinking WOW, if i suck at both, where the hell do I stand? And both modules are taught by profs that are supposedly freakin hardcore. So I'm expiating my grades to be pretty battered up at the end of the semester. LOL.

And then I ask myself: WHY THE HELL DID I DO THIS TO MYSELF.

God knows.

Scriptwriter.

2011-12-02T18:18:00.002+08:00

My team decided to use my story for the short film.

I'm so excited! :)

My first ever script. Well, I did have to edit the ending. Mine was a little abrupt and ambiguous and the new ending is lot more closed but still leaves room for you to ponder.

I don't intend to be an auteur for this film.

Just scriptwriter.
But wow. I can't believe they picked my idea.

My biggest critic

2011-12-02T13:13:00.003+08:00

... is me.

That is true.

Nothing i ever write, feels good enough.
Feels perfect.

But then they say perfection is not attainable.

So, i keep writing.

This holidays, thats the plan.
I have a sideline plan with a group of friends.
Wrote a script at like 1 o'clock in the morning yesterday for it.

Maybe i'll post it up.

I enjoy writing but its not the easiest thing to do. Then again, what is? But even as a career, its tough to make it.
I read some of Alfian Sa'at's stuff a feww days a go. It was a short story called 13 Ways of Looking at a Hanging. There are a lot of great things about that piece.

Like the motif 13 and how he used it in the story.
How he showed a rather startling, poignant, strong, rebellious side of the story.
How he knew so much.

I still feel i lack that. I lack knowing much.
And maybe it's because i watch crappy shows like 90210 and KUWTK.

But.

You see.

While I am my worst critic, I can't stop writing even if i wanted to. I will write somehow, some way.
This holidays I intend to pen down a few stories. Get my creative side going and just start preparing for the shitty semester of Y2Sem2.

Trust me, it'd be shitty.

2011 has been Golden.

2011-11-26T12:31:00.006+08:00

You know what, I did not remember writing that Paparazzi post at all! LOL. I must have been worn and was juts like BLAH BLAH BLAH all over. It does sound decent tho.

Anyway, I felt like writing today before I start on my revision again because somebody reminded me of you. And I wanted to write because I know that after my exams I'll be glued to the couch or bed and this thing will go on a hiatus again. I want to do a recap of the year. I hope this will be more insightful than boring. So here goes.

From the get-go, this semester started at a pretty much fast speed. Thrown into my paparazzi commitments, 206 assignments and of course writing emails so that I can *crosses finger* get all the modules I planned for this semester, it was game time from the beginning.

And you know i always approach a new semester with anticipation, and excitement and well, some dread. LOL. But from the start it seemed like it was going to be a good one. I got a 4-day week (first time ever). I got COM 253. My best friend and I planned lunch/dinner dates together. Paparazzi was time-consuming but such great experience.

So while the beginning was really good, things started breaking apart in the middle. Paparazzi was at its most active time, I had to come back on Fridays, I was getting my hands dirty (literally! I painted and had PAINT all over me), I was there for every full-dress rehearsal and all those late night in which i got home at 11 and at times thankful when my dad picked me up. I mean I could go on about the duties and other stuff that went down with PAPA but, it truly would take forever. Its been a whirlwind of experience and I'm so blessed to have done it. Ive grown and become more confident in myself, I met some amaze balls freshies who just seemed so invigorated by life that i can't eli but feed not hat energy too. So while i was tired, and missing a lot of my work and readings, I wouldn't have changed a thing. And at the end of it, it was good to be able to share this experience with Jeya (because after that we barely got to see each other anymore) and the crew.

Then of course, mid-terms piled in. For missing all the readings, I had major catching up to do. which accounted for my below par COM 207 grades. But again, I have myself to blame and no one else. then there was of course COM 206 and I again challenged myself there. The thing is, my group went through a lot of shit, A LOT. and I know that all everyone were like happy with the end product but I am. And I only know that my videos will be better from here on :)

Then, there was my bestfriend who i probably got to see less than 10 (if I'm being brutal, 5) times this year. Our Monday dinner dates never happened. Our Wednesday lunch dates slowly was forgotten. The thing is, I have so much to say to her. But when she's in front of me, i don't know where to start. So i don't even. Its difficult to always start from the beginning that sometimes you just think to yourself, let's just move forward. And that's exactly what I tried to do with her. I told my dad about us and he was like "But that's expected right?" And part of me was hurt by that, and another part of me realized that yeah, I did. I just never said it out loud. I don't blame her, she's not wrong. She's happy with her life, the state that it is in, and so am I. I am for her. I just secretly wished I was more a part of it. I feel upset just writing this because Ive never gone through a semester without her, and I did this time around. But I feel like my deadlines, my assignments, my other friends, helped me through it. and I don't know if it'd be the same next sem. It's always been that we grew up but never apart and now, we are. If i never asked her out to study, she would never ask me out to study. And even when she says "Yeah, we can stay again on Weds", I can never take it as a study date and I have to say "Yeah, let me know, whatsapp me or something" because whats worst than a straight-up no, is when people bail on you.

So i guess this semester I learnt that you can't always expect people to keep to their word, or mean what they say. and it's not so much that they want to hurt you, but they are busy with their lives. And you need to accept that and do with yours what you have to.

this semester, two of my friends got boyfriends, and it will just be a matter of time before all of them have one. and I'm dreading the idea of being forever single and not because I want a boyfriend, but WHO WILL HANG WITH ME THEN. HAHAHA.

Then of course, certain things went down with my mum but in recent weeks, things have gotten better. Two weeks of silence between us could possibly be a good thing. And I found two friends that go through the same things that I do. and to share it with me, I am so blessed. Its great to confide with friends and your bestfriends, but until you meet someone who has been through it themselves, you can never feel less alone. with one them, I learnt perseverance. With the other, I learnt to be a better Muslim daughter.

I met her at Chinese class. And at first I had my reservations about her but we slowly grew closer in a matter of 12 weeks and before I knew it, I looked up to her. For finally, I found a Malay female role model. And i can honestly say that there is a lot of things about our friendship that I will miss.

So you see, things really do balance themselves out. you lose some people on the way, but you do gain and learn from others. This semester has been great. And to think I will only need to go to school for 2 more days.

With regards to my results. LOL. I was aiming for all B+ this semester, since i need to start pulling my grades to 2nd class upper but... seeing how the exams have turned out, it might not quite work out.

But we'll see.

I should get back to studying now. My arts GERPE paper is on monday and i still have 285920581092719 readings to do. NOT COOL.

and honestly, the biggest lesson for me this semester that I still pretty much battle with when it comes to my creativity and choices that I make, is really "Fuck what people think" because you need to stand your ground to be creative and to push your boundaries. And you're not gonna do it right if you keep thinking about others think of your art. you've just got to do it, and if it sucks, and do it again... and again.. and again. there's not enough time in University (and life) to please everyone, at some point, pleasing you should be MORE THAN ENOUGH.

Paparazzi 2011

2011-10-02T00:26:00.003+08:00

I remember watching Paparazzi 2010 and being completely inspired by it. To build something as wonderful as a play from scratch... with a team... I mean, I was blown away. And a student production!

So I joined Paparazzi 2011.

And it's been so challenging, not in that the task was difficult, because I think I had it easy (The PSM, Prods, Directors, Sets Manager LX/FX were the ones that had it tough!). But, it was the amount of time and effort that was truly needed for such a play. The days of me coming back to school on Friday, staying till 9pm at NIE PLAYHOUSE.

And finally, bumping into NLB Blackbox.

Getting on cans, getting my name repeatedly called on cans because I lowered the volume, working in blue light, carrying a torch, working with a team of such amazing subcommers and dedicated main commers.

I am so proud to be in such a production. To be a part of this team.

Here's to PAPA 2011. May PAPA 2012 be even better. That's what WKWSCI spirit is all about. CHALLENGING YOURSELF. YOUR LIFE IN UNI AND IN GENERAL IS WAY TO SHORT FOR IT TO BE SAFE 100% OF THE TIME. YOU HAVE TO TAKE RISKS. EVEN IF YOURE AFRAID OF THE CONSEQUENCES.

Dear God... Thank YOU.

2011-08-19T22:50:00.003+08:00

Dear God.

Because I can't pray due to reasons that You know as You are All-knowing, I will use my blog today.

I want to thank You for the blessings or the rezeki that You have provided us in this Holy month called Ramadhan. I have always loved this month. It's such a great month every year because it's the month where'll the bad are locked away and you only have you and your temptations to deal with.

And people always say that fasting is hard but with Your Grace, it really has been manageable for me. Alhamdullilah.

My birthday fell on Ramadhan.

As You know, I cried myself to sleep the two nights before my birthday. And it had nothing to do with presents or my birthday. I'm sure You know the reasons why. That first night I remember just chanting or beristighfar to stop myself from crying because I didn't know any other way to stop crying. I begged you to stop the pain, and I slowly fell asleep.

The next day, I was sullen and quiet. I slept a lot just to make the day go faster. But at night, I felt the pain again.

And I remember thinking, why was I feeling like shit two days before my birthday. Why am I feeling so sad? Why am I allowing her to bring me down?

And now, I know why. Because You had other plans for me. Plans that were far greater than I ever expected. Because when You give happiness, you give it twofolds the sadness that I felt.

Thank you. For listening to me and blessing me and for continuing to show Your love. My family and I am truly blessed that You are watching over us.

Nothing like you.

2011-08-08T23:05:00.005+08:00

The truth is...

...I can never get personal with you because you will always use it to hurt me...

...you will never love me the way you love your other children...

...a part of you will always hate me, my guts, my looks, my personality because I remind you so much of the strongest woman in my life - my grandmother...

But I don't care.
At least she is everything I want to become or already am...

And you...
You are nothing I want to become and I sure hope I'm NOTHING like you.
Because that would disappoint me so bloody much.

And btw, this song was written for you.

EVERYBODY needs to CHILL OUT.

2011-08-01T16:40:00.004+08:00

Recently, Wee Kim Wee School of Communication and Information (WKWSCI) came under fire because our valedictorian, Trinetta Chong, said "fuck" or to put it nicely in our "conservative" society "the F-word" during the 2011 Convocation.

HOLD UP.

HAVE YOU NEVER SAID THAT WORD?

I HAVE.

WHEN IM ANGRY.
SAD.

HAPPY.
CRAZY HAPPY.

Like the Valedictorian was on HER DAY.

She freakin graduated from 4 years and then said "fuck" and she gets all sorts of criticisms from people who said we "failed" the system, or think that we think we are atas, or even that we are ruining the media because WE are media students.

Damn. If she's anything to go by in telling what the media scene is Singapore is going to become, HELL, I'M ALL FOR IT.

If she did it accidentally, the way she said then really, it's not a big deal, it was in the spur of the moment.

If it was on purpose, at least she had the balls to do it.

And before you say, but that's not OUR society, or that it is a family-oriented programme, or that she should be more tactful, SAVE IT. Our society just tries to hide and avoid anything that isn't conservative. But this is the 21st Century, stop being so critical of others. Her speech may havelacked originality since she used references from Harry Potter and Dr Seuss, but it was otherwise an effective, emotional and honest speech. Also, I don't think many people could have addressed that many people and keep their cool the way she did.

I am so proud to be a part of WKWSCI. And I hope my Convocation will be as memorable as this year's.

The Art of Getting By

2011-07-22T13:17:00.007+08:00

So I really want to watch this film. It's showing in Sundance this year, god knows when it'll be mainstream theatres.

Rotten tomatoes had several bad reviews opf the movie but I don't know, it seems pretty good. I mean... it does seem a little cliched, but I find there is soemthing really warm about the film.

And freddie highmore is the lead character... wow. Boy, hasnt he grown. And I'm a massive fan of Julia Roberts (see earlier posts where I qoute her movie Eat Pray Love) and I think that Emma Roberts (her niece) has a lot of potential and this is probably one of her first mature films so I'm pysched to see her do well.

Anyway, I can't wait to see this somehow... and I'll be keeping an eye out for it. Hopefully.

And it was suppose to be called Homework but they changed it into The Art of Getting By.

Dear 16-year old Syuhrah

2011-07-20T14:52:00.005+08:00

Dear 16-year old Syuhrah,

I know youre going through a real tough time now. Your exam results are shit. You just broke up with who you will soon find out is a douche. You relationship with your dad is kinda like a see-saw. Your relationship with your mother is just much worse.

But i want you to know that God would not have given you all these challenges if he didnt know that you'd be able to handle it. so please, for my sake, just focus at the tasks in hand.

After this break-up youre gonna hate boys for a while. You're gonna be by yourself a lot and just focusing on your friends and your family and school. and that's fine. that's cool. in fact, soon, you'll realise you don't really need boys and that the other things in life matter more. After all, their maturity level is way beneath yours and youre buck-tooth darling, so you need to work on yourself a lot more than on a relationship right now. You are forever, not your relationship. So you might as well spend time on yourself.

It's really okay to be selfish, youre just getting prepared to be at your best when that special someone enters your life. bettering yourself, your sense of humour, your personality, you music taste (dont worry, the emo phase will totally pass!), your dressing!

Also, that guy you think who kinda set the bar, the one who you think no one has yet quite met his standards, youre gonna meet someone who is a lot better than him. You won't necessarily be close to him, but you'll be friends and it'll truly open your eyes to the possibilities of THERE ARE BETTER GUYS OUT THERE. plus, after you leave WRS, youre not gonna see him although the two of you live just blocks away. They say the world is small, but really, i think God prevented you from meeting him so that yo won't punch him in the face and be like "i can't believe i saw anything in you".

anyway, in case you want to know, you are single right now. HAHA. sorry, if I disappointed you. but you're gonna meet a few guy friends who are wonderful. They are funny, they let you nag, they study out with you, they laugh AT you and WITH you. But as of right now, there isnt anyone special enough yet. YES YOU WILL BE GETTING BRACES! START SAVING UP! LOL.

Also, with your mum, you're gonna truly have a better relationship with her. I know she has hurt you, disappointed you, made you just boiling mad but... she'll come around. And you'll come around too. To be honest with you, I don't know if I have forgiven her comepletely. Sometimes I think i have, other times, I still feel she has a lot to prove. But I hope that you will find it in yourself to have a bigger heart for her, your family and i hope you'll give her a chance to make certain things right. you won't completely regret it.

Also, always remember to forgive others. It's the only way for you heal from the past. I think throughout your life, you're gonna meet people who disappoint you and you need to forgive them. youre also gonna make some mistakes too, and you have to learn to forgive yourself. I think you learn that forgiving others is a lot easier than forgiving yourself. But just like everything else, give it time.

With your dad. Wow, he is your rock now, and he will still be your rock when your entering adulthood. And i know you hate to admit it but, youre gonna need him even when your 21. He's going through a rough time now. I'm not gonna say what because I dont want to worry you. But this is why I'm telling you that as much as he is your rock, you're gonna be his too. the two of you are gonna start talking the same, acting the same way, and its gonna be weird but at the same time, I think youre gonna be relieved youre turning out to be more and more like him. After all, you have looked up to him for a very long time. I want you to take care of him and be nicer to him. He deserves it. And he might be hard on you A LOT of the times but the funny thing is, youre never gonna be mad at him for long. whatever you learnt that is good for the heart and soul, you're gonna learn from him so, please show him how thankful you are daily. Make him coffee, cold drinks, keep him updated in your life, just be with him.

As for your friends, you'll only need one person from WRS and that's the arrogant bitch you thought who sat beside Amy. BTW, just to state this clearly, she is not arrogant (at least not to you, maybe to most boys and others girls).Youre gonna have your fair share of fights, sometimes, youre gonna fight for days and not text/call and see each other but some how you will find your way back to each other. You might see less of her in the future but when you guys meet for lunch, study, whatever, it would seem like no time has come between the two of you at all. you are lucky that certain incidents happened to open your eyes... teaching you the hard way: WHO TRULY ARE YOUR FRIENDS.

Btw, all the oddities you felt being in WRS, youre gonna still feel them throughout your life even at 21, but youre gonna embrace these oddities. like you'll always be different. ALWAYS. The faster you come into terms with that, the faster you can be a happy adolescent. From being Malay, buck-toothed, being Muslim too... you'll just always be different. The true friends will accept you for who you are and aren't.

Youre gonna meet a group of girls in college that are just purely awesome. I know you think a group of 8 girls is a bad combination, but really youre gonna have a lot of fun with them. they will chnage your priorities and views in life. and that's what you a need.

A CHANGE. A DRAMATIC CHANGE EVEN.

Overall youre gonna be pretty steady. Can i just say though, please study hard for A-levels. Thanks.

You have a lot to be thankful for. It might not seem like it now, but you really do. You will have stronger relationships because youre gonna be a stronger and more mature person. You will laugh every day and you'll be happy. Just continue to grab life by the collar and run with it. You honestly have nothing to lose. When you do cry, you'll cry a lot, sometimes your whole body will shake and your yes will get swollen and you will find yourself at the lowest low, but keep your faith in God and yourself. He will lead you out of the darkness. You just need to keep on living. you will love yourself slowly but surely.

Love, hugs, hope, kisses, 21-year old Syuhrah.

P.S: EAT ALL THE FOOD YOU WANT NOOOOOWWWW. SERIOUSLY. YOU HAVE BRACES NOW, AND YOURE CHEWING GUM AS YOU TYPE THIS, AND YOUR TEETH FREAKIN HURTS. FO' REAL.

You can be yourself.

2011-07-10T22:56:00.002+08:00

Just so we can make this clear Muslim does not equal to Melayu or Malay.

Muslim is a person who practices Islam - the religion.
Melayu or Malay is a RACE. Like Chinese, Indian etc.

So I think I've talked about this in my earlier posts, in particular perhaps a year ago when I was about to go for my FOC 2010 and when I was about to enter my first year in college.

I think while there are a lot of reasons to be a part of FOC 2011, one that really sticks out is that I wanna help other Muslims or Malays that may feel out of place in WKW. To just tell them that it's okay to be who we are.

I didn't have that. In fact the person who made me feel better about who I am, was a photog I met in my FOC. and he was Chinese. Like how shocking is that. Oh, it did help that Liverpool kinda helped us start the conversation in which we later moved on to other topics like the above.

Tonight, one girl seemed happy that someone, a MELAYU, as she said talked on facebook and introduced herself. Me. And I felt like wow, I'm already helping her feel a little better. Then she asked about DnD. "Do you go for this stuff?" And I was honest. And I sorta said that she should ask M cos he's the chair. And M answered and he said that they can cater for them who wants Halal food.

This is what should be practiced in our school. That we can ASK for HALAL food. We shouldnt have to be quiet about it.

I remember on FN, the seniors were asking what we needed for supper. And I remember thinking like I didnt want to order anythign cos it's most probably at a coffeeshop that's NOT halal. Then I looked at A, and for some reason, he asked if there was halal food. And I felt like wow, maybe this guy isnt a complete douche (which he isnt as i found out this year. lol). And then they said there's an indian muslim stall so I ordered prata. HAHAHAH.

I want to be there for her the way nobody was really there for me. And that matters to me the most. I want to be an example like hey, you can keep your beliefs and everything that means a lot to you intact. You dont need to give in to peer pressure.

In short, You can be yourself, no matter your beliefs.

Jamie Oliver's Food Revolution

2011-07-04T17:58:00.000+08:00

I just watched Jamie Oliver's Food Revolution.

And to be honest, I don't know much about food, and am not versed in the culinary jargon. But Jamie is so inspiring that I can't help but feel empowered by him to know between the right food and the bad food that will shorten your lifetime.

The show is being shown on TLC and it's got some Americans buzzing.

There have been many shows, documentaries, talk shows that have talked about the bad food that American Schools have but NO SOLUTIONS have been put forth. Like come on, there have PIZZA for BREAKFAST.

And here Jamie Oliver stands with a solution and yet he gets so much hate for doing what he does. The show aims to show how the food revolution can start in school. But it also shows that schools arent the only ones that should be involved. It's requires the help of lunch ladies, teachers, principals, parents and ironically, this revolution has been said to be led by KIDS.

This is because the kids are given the opportunity to knwo where food is from. One episode showed the kids maybe 7 - 9 year olds that do not know their vegetables. At one point Jamie Oliver held up a potato and they DID NOT know what it was. But when he held up the fries, they instantly knew what it was and had NO IDEA that potatoes looked the way they do.

I MEAN THAT'S JUST RIDICULOUS.

It's great to see somehow that Jamie has stood up against the derision. And I'm glad that some Americans are taking notice. Because if they don't, then their kids will suffer from bad health, shorter lifespans and it spells the fall of society.

The website shows how there are only 705 921 people that have signed the petition for the Food Revolution and that's really not a lot. AND THE FACT IS: MORE HAS TO BE DONE.

And that's nto to say that wow, I'm gonna start eating organic food and less junk food and all that but it definitely has opened my eyes to what I should be eating and realising that I have the right to make an informed choice.

This show is definitely worth watching. In fact its so damn good. I salute Jamie Oliver, such an inspiring chef. He can stick to his restaurant Fifteen in London and just care about the Britons but he doesn't. He cares and hence he is at the fore front of the Food Revolution. And you have to respect the man for that. For not believing his too high too care. And for doing all he can to help, even if he has to go class to class, wearing a pea pod suit to encourage kids to EAT THEIR VEGETABLES.

Summer.

2011-06-30T16:32:00.001+08:00

A week ago or so I wrote an entry and midway, I decided I didn't want it anymore. So I placed it in my drafts. I'm gonna start on a new one now. And I've a feeling its gonna be a long one. Sorry for all th typos. Juust figure it out slowly. Its too long for me to edit it word for word.

_.

The summer has left me with much to think about. An the biggest irony of that sentence is that I'm sitting on my brothers' couch/bed and wrapped under their blanket because it just rained and im freaking cold right now.

I stopped going to facebook daily this summer. Just tweeted here and there. Tumblr-ed since pictures and words inspire me. All Time Low's Dirty Work album came out and I am so stoked for the boys for reaching #1 on Itunes before Adele's 21 took over again. HAHA. But I can't be mad, Adele's album 21 is such a good one. Simple Plan and There For Tomorrow also released new albums. And I think I may have just watched all the summer blockbusters. X-men First Class, Green Lantern, Super 8, Transformers and Kung Fu Panda. WOW. That'a lot of movies. But there were all so good.

Summer's been good. But Summer got me thinking too.

It's been good waking up and sitting on the couch and watching all the teevee I want. Spending time with my siblings during their June holidays, helping my sister catch up with her studies. It's been fruitful.

You must be wondering then, why did i cut back on facebook? Well, I have a friend who got me thinking. Shesaid she deactivated her FB because seeing all of her friends activities depressed her cos she doesnt have any.

And that got me thinking.

Is FB now all ahotu flaunting? Who is the life of the party? Who went out clubbing, drank more, went to more dinners?

I dont care for such stuff, so it doesnt bother me. For me, I'm happy with what I do with my life. I occupy my time with other things like family. There's no rush for me to get out more because school and work in the future will take up a lot of my time so whats wrong with spending time at home now, being a 21 year old? I define how a 21 year should act. You o it too. And we do it differently. There is no one correct answer, and hence we are the youth. We lead different lives and together our perosnalities will make tomorrow better. I guess I figured there aint much going on in there anymore.

Besides that, Ive also thought about what I wanted to do for school. The balance of doing journalism and broadcast is killing me. Its making it very difficult to choose modules. I might take a journ mod and boradcast mod next semester and see how it goes. It's time to think my choice of major thorughly becaus eI ahve to decide in a years' time and you'd think that's a long time but not in University, man.

I also thought about what I wanted to do in my life. It seems that so many of my school mates are ddoing something that's related to their majors to build their portfolios and I have done nothing. Thats scares me shitless.

Do I want to do radio? TV? Write columns? Reviews? Interviews? WHAT DO I WANT TO DO? I need to start writing and building my confidence. I feel like I could do interviews, maybe I need to strat putting myself out there so that I can gain more. You have to start somewhere and some time.

During my family vacation, some shit went down. And honestly, I dont want to go into it. It partly hurt me, partly disappointed me but mostly, it made me realised that marriage ain't n a breeze. I see it between my parents almsot every day. Some how I dont think they realise it but they really have made me fear marriage. I dont want to be unhappy in a marriage. But if you have that house, those bills, the children... then how do you walk away? How do you tell yourself, "I need u to keep this up"? How do you get that strength? How do you stay and keep enough strength to love yourself when you give all the time.

Recently, I watched Eat Pray Love and James Franco's character - David - was in a ralationship with Julia Robert's character. But the relationship was falling apart. And she decided to leave, and travel.

He wrote oto her:

"We accept that we screwed up the relationship but we stick out anyway. We accept that we fight a lot, we have hardly any sex anymore, but we get along with eact other and that way, we get to spend our lives togther miserable but happy not to be apart."

She replied:

"We all want things to stay the same, David. Settle for living in misery because we're afraid of change, of hints of crumbling to ruins. Then I look around at this place, at the chaos it's endured... how it found it's way back up again.

And I was reassured. Maybe my life hasnt been so chaotic. It's just the world that is and the only real trap is getting attached to any of it. Ruin is a gift, ruin is the road to transformation.

We must always be prepared for endless waves of transformation."

I cant live my life that way. I cant live a miserable life. I can't be in a relatioship that has no sex, frequent fights, a lack of honesty, honest opinions and I cant take tolerance that's due to fear of change. I cant take that life. And I fel upset just thinking iof such a life. Im a passion kind of person. I do things that involve 70% heart and 30% mind. And I know people talk about balance but those percentages are my balance. And it's true isnt it? The only thing constant is change.

I know I'm gonna miss Summmer. It's been a quiet Summer but a fruitful one. One more month before school rages. Many things happened and at the risk of sounding like I am absolutely exaggerating, I have changed some of my POVs for good.

I want to know what to do at the end of the year. I want to do well in school and be a better person. Things happened during my family vacation this summer and it has made me decided that it's okay to be without a boyfriend. Marriage has become even more sacred to me. And maybe I'm afraid to fail in love, but I need to find my way around this myself. People say "Forever ALone" with such a negative tone, but not to me. At least not right now. Forever alone suits me just fine right now.

What's important to me might not be important to you, but that does mean I'm any lower than you. It just makes us different beings.

Guts by All Time Low from Dirty Work

Verse 2:
Take apart
The gravity thats holding me down
Make a point
to find a resolution
To be my own solution.

Chorus:
Is this what it feels like
finding out that I've the guts to say anything?
Feels like,
breaking out,
when I can give up my reputation
finally,
I can see,
honestly,
I've got the guts to say anything.

2011-05-14T22:32:00.000+08:00

Im depressed.

In fact, im fucking depressed.

Seriously fml X100

2 exams on monday and im not prepared. Syuhh, you suck maxxxxx.
I just feel like crying RN. Feeling super stressed. Super super.

I HOPE MONDAY COMES AND GO COS I CANNOT TAKE THIS SHIT LIFE ANYMORE.

More than sufficient.

2011-03-06T11:54:00.001+08:00

My dad was talking about job opportunities overseas.

As in away from Singapore.

He asked if it was a good idea for him.

All I could hear myself screaming was no.

HELL. NO.

We always think the grass is greener on the other side but it really isn't. We are humans, and we are deeply flawed by our ease of dissatisfaction no matter where we are and the opportunities that have been provided to us on a platter.

More than that, I dont think my mum would do a good job in keeping this house intact. And honestly, I dont want to have to do their job. I don't want to be the parent. If he leaves, then im gonna have to do 10 times the job that I already am doing.

And trust me when I say, no amount of money would drive me to the insane state of saying "Yes pa, you should go".

Unfortunately, love would.

As most adults that dont get to achieve their dreams, my dad suffers from inferiority complex. I think so anyway.

He always reminisces his JC days and blames his poverty of his younger days and his dad for not letting him be more than he is today.

But what's so worng with the him today? Im thankful for the him today.

HE doesnt want to go for his college reunion and I get that. I dont want to go either. Those things are only opportunities for your rivals to see how far youve been, and I for one, dont believe in having to live up to other people's expectation. But I think my dad has a totally different reason for not going.

I think he isnt proud of where he ended up in life. And i think its because of the financial state or lack of financial state he is in.

But I always thought I was rich.
Even though, I barely have the school money that many others in University enjoy.
Even though, I dont have a MBP.
Even though, I have a bursary with my name.

I feel rich because my dad makes everything else possible. And I jsut wished he would see that. Because no matter the amount of money you have in your wallet, the fact is, you'll never be satisfied by it.

Dad, you said you wished for a 18K salary, a salary you dream of.
But dad, even if you had that 18K salary, you'd only want more.
We are flawed by our greed and chase for better and bigger things.

So if youre not satisfied with what you have right now, in this moment, no amount of reunions, overseas trips, salary will make you feel you lived your dream.

But I'll let you go.
Only because I hope that if you do go, you'll realise that what you have now, has been sufficient all along. More than sufficient.

I'll be lucky if I get some sleep
I'll be blessed to find something to eat
Now Im looking for relief
In false hopes and beliefs
and im learning to survive
the longest winter nights
The holes in my clothes,
show decisions that I chose.
Now my own mum and dad
they wont pick up the phone
the God I was praying to all this time,
was someone i didnt know.

Learning to Fly // Mat Musto

This song got me through the week.
Well, except the last two lines.
For those who feel alone,
I pray you find your way home to God soon.
You might not know hHm, but He always knew you, even when you didnt know you.
He knows you best. Trust yourself, Trust Him.

100mph

2011-03-02T23:51:00.000+08:00

I feel physically exhausted but somehow, I'm not tired. Like I feel I can still push myself and like do everything... like go 100 mph.

It's such a weird feeling.

Maybe cos im juggling two projs right now and I need to be like crazy awake/alert.

I cant wait for the end of thr week. Because I know, noone can go 100mph, they only think they can.

Mark Zuckerberg, Facebook & The Social Network

2011-02-27T11:19:00.001+08:00

I just finally watched the last 30 minutes of The Social Network.

If you think about it real hard, this is truly an amazing technological find. I mean, there's more than 500 million people on it, there is no other such connection. In communications, we study about Facebook too.

Granovetter: "The strength in weak ties".

He talked about we NEED weak ties to exapnd our social network. That one social network is connected to another via a weak tie.

And its true. As much as you need a strong tie, you need a weak tie too.

More than anything, this film sturck a cord with me because while it showed Zuckerberg's flaw, his social ineptness, it also showed his determination to find a space, a space comfortable enough for him to interact because while he had a bestfriend in Saverin, he wanted more. In that sense, I'm a complete opposite of Zuckerberg. I am happy with having my family, my bestfriend and goodfriends. And I never thoguht I needed more.

Until I got into WKWSCI.

I realised that connections are important. you need to be up-to-date with everything. you need to have friends and get to know people, MORE people.

What still marvels me was how Zuckerberg had given up his friendship for 500 million friends? I saw him as an asshole in the movie. Trying too hard to make friends, trying too hard to be more prominent. But then, in such a prestigious institution, I guess you have to make a name for yourself.

But you know what, you cant be a true asshole if you manage to make use of your wealth wisely. And because of that, I respect Zuckerberg.

Aaron Sorkin is right. Zuckerberg is an altruistic person.
I think unlike many other famous/rich people, he is a Warren Buffet.. a true altruist. You have to respect a man for stepping on some poeple's foot and still manage to keep the humility in him.

He might have lost a bestfriend, but he changed the way communication worked. I for one, was very anti-Facebook. Could not stand the pretentiousness of adding friends (seriously, you DONT have 300 friends) but I slowly saw why this invention attrcated 500 million people. It's not about the lack of its inability to interact that matters, because honesty comes from within but its about a social network that expands, that's all inclusive.

Deservedly, Person of the Year in 2010.

2011-02-26T23:10:00.000+08:00

I know you're suppose to give and not think about taking anything in return... but, I'm sure it's find to ask for things in return?

Lately, Ive been feeling a lot like the third parent around the house. And I dont hate it, I just feel so bogged down by it. I come home and so many people still need me.

My dad to help with the sibs.
My baby bro to read to him.
The bro with his applications.
The dad with his resume.

And I am left doing my work into the night.

And just today, i decided to spend my day just helping my sibs with their work.
My life just revolves around my duties.

And sometimes, I need to be like "hold up. Im not the parent here."

I think my dad gets hurt when i say that. But i cant help it. I wake up to their calls telling me what to do that day. Like make sure the kids study, watch them, dont just sleep etc.

MAN. IM SO TIRED. DID THEY CONSIDER THAT?

And somehow... just somehow... im still keeping up with all my work.
And I wished i got some kind of recognition out there.

I have God to thank for that. Somehow, he has mad me patient, resilient and more than anything, given me the hunger to go for more despite the fatigue form all the chasing.

I finally got some discussion going on for 227. People actually replied to my mesage board opinion. That just makes me smile. Im a year 1 here man. I know nuts about films and critiques. God bless you Baz Luhman, you are one hell of a director.

I'm learning to fly
and taking the risk of crashing to the ground
just swallow my proud
and pick off (??) all the ones that drag me down
its meant to be
you and me
Im finding out who im suppose to be
When I found you,
I found me...

Make no mistake though, I have a lot of love in my life. And I do love my life the way it is today. I have many things to be thankful for. I guess at the end of the week, I just want to reflect on certain things and today, I chose this.
Learning to Fly // May Musto

Week 4

2011-02-20T12:07:00.000+08:00

School has been crazy hectic and Midterms arent even in.

I do sometimes wonder if I have too much on my plate?

Canvassing for PAPA'11 starts soon. Oh my my.

To be completely honest with you, I don't hate the stuff I'm doing this semester. I'm trying to take up this new positive outlook on school. Like if you put yourself out there more often, then you gain more out of it. But maybe i just need more hours in a day. Like i dunno, 30 hours instead?

Please?

It's amazing how I'm still able to do lots of stuff like be with my bestfriend and my girl from college and yet, almost complete all my readings (the only module i didnt do readings for was HH 211 - Special Topics in History, you can excuse me right?)

I just dont know if I can do this for another.... 13-4= 9 weeks?

But I have to. Oh, but I was late for lecture (like 40 min late) one time. Oh well. You cant be perfect so dont expect to be.

Sadly, Ive not been able to see Angel and Nash. And it bums me out cos I promised I'll meet up soon. It's just not mathematically possible RN.

By Friday night, Im just gone. I use to be able to stay awake like till 3AM Saturday monrings, but my routine has been... go home on Friday, watch American idol @ 10PM then sleep right after that. EXHAUSTION.

But I guess as long as you keep up with your work, and your personal life it should be okay right?

RIGHT.

NatHaz, goodbye sucker!

2010-12-20T12:00:00.000+08:00

I know I will die when I get my NatHAz results. Just die. Retribution for that heading.

NatHaz is a cool nick we students came up for the science GERPE Natural Hazards and Society.

The module is not cool, people. Seriously. Especially for a history student (through, and though!) I am struggling.

Well, in 5 hours, i'll be sitting for the final exam, which means 7 horus till my misery ends and then its complete and sweet freedom.

It truly does feel like A-levels, this FYE. I dunno how I'll do, honestly. Some papers were good but others i found myself lying ym way through (the best thing about COMM modules! Hurrah!).

So, i hope i dont do badly, like get some lousy 3 point something GPA. Maybe something close to 4 would be good. 4 would be even better.

My assignments seem to be good, so its just the FYE that will really determine my grade.

Im sure youre wondering then, if your exams are in 5 hours, why arent you studying, syuhrah?

Well, i wanted to study then discovered that the freakin slides for the last NatHaz lect is not up! BUMMER or what?! I mean those contained the possible repetitive questions! SLAMS FOREHEAD ON TABLE.

but it's-okay! cos i got them written down, but it still wouldn't have hurt them to have it UP!

BTW, NatHaz lectures arent bad in every way. Let's be clear.

We have really accomplished lecturers, professors who continue to be involved in projects, so they'll be like flying off after lectures for the weekend to visit some place and do research and all that. It's just me, i just suck at earthquakes, and volcanoes, and landslides, and thuderstorms.

the professors, are knowleadgeable, experienced and thus the lectures are quite interesting... so I dunno, bums me out to know i cant take advantage of that, but OH WELL, last day, last day, last day....

Come on now, repeat after me: LAST DAY, LAST DAY, LAST DAY, LAST DAY....

There you go.

Goodbye first sem of my University life.

THIS IS WHAT I DO WHEN I PRETEND MY EXAMS ARE OVER

2010-12-16T20:03:00.000+08:00

I HEART ALL TIME LOW.

Sir Stamford Raffles spoke Malay!

2010-12-13T09:15:00.000+08:00

Honing my skillz.

2010-12-07T14:59:00.000+08:00

I'm at home while my family and cousins are out right now. I went for breakfast with them but later headed home to study since its STUDY WEEK (cue scary musci).

I've been bllogging a lot, pardon me please. I just feel that i need to wrote more jsut to get into the groove the writing and well, practice typing, my typing skillz are Horrid, (with a capital 'H', obviously).

I know i dont always talk about serious stuff here but this is a blog after all. It should merely contain youe opinions and thoughts. As Prof Duffy would say "If you want to write your opinion, get a blog". He's trying to say journalism isnt a place for your opinions. down to the facts, the truth and objectivity.

Wow, i think i jsut summarised what I've been learning in WKW :)

Im doing my research for COM 203 now. The mosts demanding module in my course right now. RESEARCH, eh. Don't play play.

Sigh.

I found a really good source of material. Makes me wonder if I want to share it with a couple of my friends who are doing the same profession as I am?

I know I always criticise Mun Ling for her competitiveness, but even I will admit, this sources you use could really differentiate you. could possibly get you a better grade than the others. BUT, pooling resources might enable you to see weaknesses and evem stregthen a point.

I guess, everything we do has to have a balance. This is for my FYE so I gotta strategise well.

Hopefully I find really dedicated team payers I can pool resources with.

I need to get back to work. This book CAN'T wait.

Love, Syuhrah.

I grew a little today. I said Goodbye.

2010-12-06T16:56:00.000+08:00

My maid just left. I went to the library and my dad did the biggest favour for me by letting me meet her one last time to say goodbye by meeting me outside Civic.

I had to do it, you know. I didn't with the last maid and I hated myself for not doing so. So I knew i had to. This time.

There are many reasons why I hate goodbyes. But that makes them all the more necessary.

There are many reasons why i'll miss her. Mostly, its the quiet reassurance she's there. I wasnt particularly close with her. I didn't have a boyf to talk to her about etc.. but I think it was her mere presence that assured me she'd be there to help. And she did, every time.

I hate goodbyes because they symbolise the end. Especially in this sort of circumstance. I'll never see her again. I'll never hear her again. And that makes me sad. I don't like things with an ending. Like the beauty of life is knowing there's something continuous after that. The beauty of freinds is knowing you can attempt to keep in contact like i did with my JC friends or meet new ones in your new surrounding. But with my maid. It's not like that. It ends. Final.

But I think what i hate the most is the memories between the people involved. I hate that at one point of my life, I'm gonna forget how she looks like. How she sounds, maybe even what she did for me.

I hate also the fact that I have to pretend to be unaffected when in fact, this is tearing me up inside. When i reached home from the library, I went to her room and looked through her cupboard. Just to make sure she really left. She did. I felt a sense of sadness but yet a sense of comfort. I got to say Goodbye, hug her, apologise for anything I did wrong.

She looked happy when i last hugged her, although i was tearing like ffff. I want her to be happy, she's wanted to go home for a very long time.

I was concerned about my brother, but maybe being concerned about his feelings made me neglect mine and thus left me ill-prepared.

I'll miss her, I already do.

I think with me it's really hard to let go because I attach emotions with people. And i try to remember the good in every one. It's how I work. It's the only way to keep faith in humanity. But attaching emotions has this really bad repercussion. In a way, maids are like nannies. So kids under their care grow with them. Like Grayson in Nanny Diaries featuring Scarlett Johanson.

I feel more comfort than sadness now. I guess crying was a catartic experience for me.

I hope she's safe. God, Allah swt, please keep her safe. Please make sure she's happy for all she's done for me and my siblings. That would mean a lot to me.

So Do you Think We Can Work Out A Sign.

2010-12-04T23:43:00.000+08:00

I know this song is about the singer talking to Jesus Christ. And I know I'm Muslim. Now that we've gotten over that hurdle... let me try to explain why i love this song, despite the obvious conflict that i have mentioned.

It's a cold night out. The rhythm is just amazingly suited for such a weather.

Im Muslim through and through. No buts not maybes, no in-betweens. Clean cut. But some of the songs i listen to have christianity themes. I dont have them in my ipod cos i dont want to upset anyone on my family and neither do i sing it like I sing Justin Bieber's Baby song. Fo example, Hallelujah.

Look, Christians and Muslim, and Jews, we are the book people, and im not extremely intuned with my religion except for the basic facts but i know that as Muslim we are taught to live peacefully with all other religions... including - non-Book people.

I can relate to this song. Ive had my darkest hour where you want, so badly to know God's listening. So that you know, you are comforted by the fact that Someone greater, bigger than what you can possibly imagine, can turn it all around. And you seek that Promise. That Comfort. That Mercy. To be relinquished of that pain you were feeling that night.

I know that feeling. I know what it feels like to cry and beg for a sign.

So, I get this song. And i dont give two shit about it being between him and Christ.

For me, it's about its resonance.

I dont really know if im putting this view across correctly cos i try to shy away from religious topics as I dont think i justify myself well. But maybe if you never had to go thru a dark an hour as i did... You dont know what i mean.

But what i do thnk is shocking or controversial about this song is how we talked about "nail[ing Him] back up"

Brand New was never known to be a band about religion, so i dont think as fans we should take that as a priority. I dont think they meant to preach. I think his honesty and vulnerability gets through and i think that just makes this song a winner.

Sometimes, we get scared if the idea of death.. When we are so happy.
Sometimes, we dont know how we'll be rewarded for our time on Earth.

Youre vulnerable in front of God. You and Me.
That makes me your equal.

Even if we make mistakes, God is most Merciful. So i dont think we should ever have to lie to him, he is All-knowing after all.

You jsut have to have faith. He is listening. I know, he has answered several of my cries. I trust Him.

GET OFF MY SEAT

2010-11-25T20:51:00.000+08:00

I just found out something disturbing about myself.

You know how girls can get jealous of her goodfriend/bestfriend when a guy likes her bestfriend/goodfriend cos maybe she wished that someone liked her too and all other imagineable reasons.

I on the other hand....

I wouldnt use the word jealous. Maybe... irritated/vexed/possessive/crazy when...
a guy...

stands in the way of me and goodfriend/bestfriend.

It's fine if you wanna be witht hem, but not on my time. if youre getting this.

let's give an example. Maybe im in this class with a good friend and we ALWAYS sit together. and then this dude who wants to apparently "bond" with my goodfriend sits with her when i come late for class....

I mean, that's just uncool.

TTM.

And i never use TTM.

Sigh.

He apologised for "breaking the order".

Like, get your ass off my seat then. I mean... if youre so freakin sorry.
URGH. The best thing about chinese class with being with that good friend and now that the semester is ending... all the more i want to jsut have my final laughs with her etc. And dude, you had to spoil it.

Thanks A LOT.

The Reserved Guilt Seat

2010-11-23T23:47:00.000+08:00

Im sure many have brought up this matter. After all, it has been reinstated for a while. Only recently much restricted with clear cut signs and well, a bunch of aware citizens.

See, the problem with the "Reserved" seat is the way it makes you feel. Nobody likes feeling guilty about sitting there.

Here are some circumstances that truly test how far along in guilt-trip can you take?

#1: You sit and an elderly is in front of you. But he's able-bodied. Doesnt seem to be slouching, no cane etc. So you (mostly I) dont give up my sit, but some considerate citizen does (who is NOT sitting at the reserved seat btw), in which the elderly immediately and eagerly takes. Now, doesnt that make you feel guilty? It does for me. It makes me feel really really bad.

#2: You see kids and offer the sit. But the parents say no they are just a few stops away. So you continue sitting. Then some other person offers and after insisting, the parents allow their children to sit.

I MEAN SERIOUSLY.

See, i get that we are tring to be a more wary and conscious society of the aged and disabled. But the seats do nothing but make us feel obliged instead of enabling us to feel sincerity out of our act. when we dont, we get death stares from other commuters, if stares could kill... w

well, thats a different story.

But you see, every train ride nowadays, whenever im seated at the reserved seat, it serves as a guilt-trip for me. I even feel guilty for falling asleep as im afraid i'll miss passing the sit to and elderly!

Cant we encourage sincerity and consideration over obligation? Are we that rude and selfish? I dont think so. I think that without the reserved signs, people would actually make more effort to give up their seats. Because then its all fair share, ANYONE on the train can give up their seat, and its not merely the ones sitting at the corner! sometimes, we might not be disabled or elderly but sincerely tired from our day and we totally prefer if we dont get judged by fellow commuters for not giving up our seats. Perhaps people wont then have to "fall asleep" to prevent themselves from having to give up their seats.

I think that being governed by rules makes us more thoughtless and everything we do is made more routine and procedural. But life, and being humans, is more than that.

It more than doing the "right" thing, its wanting to do the right thing because you can.

Perhaps we are using scare tactics when we have these signs and death stares but i really believe our society can do without unsincere acts and more out of the goodness of our heart. We are a a conservative,traditional society still arent we?

Think about it. Stop making train rides, guilt trips.

Responsible, Perfect, Leader, Oldest

2010-11-12T22:00:00.000+08:00

Right after posting my previous entry, i read the it again.

Im angry.

I hope seeing the fuck like a million times didnt make you so put off, cos i know it can do that sometimes.

Everytime i meet a youngest child, i always ask them the same question. "how does it feel to be the youngest?" Or even an only child, "How does it feel to be the one and only".

You guys must feel special huh?

I mean, you guys are the ones that get the love and concern from the older siblings. They buy you stuff, you get to use their stuff, they are always there for advice. Then the only childs, you guys have your parents to yourself 24-7 huh? And you guys get showered with stuff all the time huh? I mean they have nobody else to buy stuff for?

I dont necessarily hate being the oldest.

I would say that I hate the expectations that come with it though. I hate the fact that youre rely on you more than anyone else in the family. Youre relied on for emotionally support, to a certain extent financial support and youre just the pillar.

My dad tells me stuff I dont really want to be concerned of when Im 20, all the time. And he tells me to set a good example all the time. And he always expects me to lead the rest of them. be the first to do many things. HE expects the best in hopes that my siblings will follow.

The one and only thing that i didnt let him control was my education goals. I decided to go to JC but i guess it's cos he always drilled it in me to go there. But he wanted me in the Sciences. And i drove away from there. Made my own goals, you know. Loved History, wanted to pursue that. then, i went on to NTU communications although i knew he wanteds me in NUS.

Sometimes, my biggest fear is that i live my life not so much for mself but for others. And im afraid of being that and doing that. Cos if that's true then Who am I? What then makes me happy, purely making others happy?

I am a firm believer in being yourself. I preach that. Ever since i was in JC, i believed in being myself. And recently, I started realising that if i dont ever get married, it'd be completely fine with me. Im good with being with myself. Im complete the way I am. I dont need a dude and that house and that picture of how a family is suppose to look like.

In a way, ebing the oldest has taught me the importance taking a path of your own. and that while you give, you ahve to also keep enough to help you to grow.

Because that's the best thing you can teach your younger siblings. the idea of self-identity.

So i hate having to sacrifice certain things, but sometimes, maybe at 20 i cant see the larger picture. Maybe i'm blinded by own ignorance of what i can do. Maybe Youre just afraid of how good you can be.

So, being the oldest sucks, but im dealing with it, even at 20. And i'll probably have to deal with it for as long as i live because my responsibilities wont change for long.

I just saw what my middle did in the kitchen. Some people just dont use their brains. Fuck it. Did you really think someone would feel thankful that you left a little milk in the fridge. Fuck, they would probably feel more pissed that you actually left a miserable amount for them to use!

Seriously, WTF.

Only MINE.

2010-11-12T21:27:00.000+08:00

I try to treat my siblings, as much as i can. With my new allowance, i buy them kinder buenos, i buy them cheese sausages, recently i bought 2 1.5l of coke.

So I mean, i get that they cant buy stuff sometimes cos they dont have the money but my mum buys my siblings stuff too, stuff that sometimes she doesnt buy for us.

I dont get jealous, or at least i STOPPED getting jealous after finding out my autonomy in my spending thanks to me getting lotsa money recently with my prev job etc.

So i dont get it when people in the house (1) eat my food that i buy with MY own money. Okay, then i dont like it (2) when i let them eat it, and they show a lack of respect to me when they consume the food that I bought with my own money.

Let's give 2 scenarios of the above situations.

(1) Supported my sister, bought her Brownies cookies that they sell annually for 10 bucks. Happily muching them today, left it out on the table when up, to use my laptop watch TVD. Came down, grew suspicious when the living room was in a mess. lifted the box, felt it was light. Decided not too blow up just yet. Then opened it, and that was 12 cookies left! F-M-L. So, i decided not to scream YET cos noone was in the house and i totally did not want a scene in front of my siblings' friends while they played outside. so i took the box, took a couple of cookies, placed the box in the fridge. Later that night, i came to my mum's room said goodnight to my littlest bro like i always try to. I decided to ask WHO ate my cookies, cos in my room there was my littlest brother, my sis and my middle bro. So my sister denied it at first. Said it was my littlest bro BUT my maid said it was her. So, cornered, she sorta admitted. My "sorta admitted" i really meant that she tried to make it a mistake on her part cos she "thought" it was my mother's. BUT WTF. SERISOULY WTF. even if it was my mother's you wouldnt fuckin' eat that thing till it was almost done! Fuckin' furious that she tried to blame it on my brother, i raised my voice. Told her she was a liar, and that i could not trust her words. Before sayin that i gave her a chance to apologise, and she didnt. Fuckin' hell man. Seriously, fuckin hell.

And before you say, well, WHY the hell did you leave it on the table? WELL, firstly, i'll say dont fucking take my sister's side. Secondly, i'll say even if it was in the fridge it wouldnt have mattered. I left my Ramly burger there and it was gone thanks to my first bro. So, dude this is not the first time. So the fact is, if i didnt leave it out of sight, it would have GONE anyway. so fuck yeah, you dont make for a strong argument.

Next example, my bro called me wanted me to get a Mac milkshake for him. I felt bad for getting a milkshake for him and not for the rest. So the next cheaper alternative was 2 1.5l coke bottles. Now, soccer time, it was 4 am in the morning. Bro took out the coke. Guess wtfuck he did? he brought 2 cups. There were 3 of us. i mean, fuck, i fucking bought the coke, did you like forget? So, i got a little pissed. then he got pissed at me. Then the whole went array with my dad trying to make it better. I just dropped the matter, it was soccer time and i wasnt gonna let anyone one destroy it.

So, do you get my drift already? Look, im the oldest. I fucking get it. I need to sacrifice more. I need to give more than take. I need to ensure they come first than me. BUT cant i have one thing that's mine. My food. That i bought with my own money?

CAN'T I HAVE THAT?

I think what hurts the most is that they dont appreciate it. They take it and they dont apologise and they dont seem to see my needs and they dont seem apologetic. And you know what, sometimes, i want to take things too. Like, my emotions feel secondary to what they want.

I'm hurt by their actions.

I just want whats mine. For once, and not share it. Cant i have that?

i dont care about boys

2010-11-04T22:30:00.000+08:00

I feel indifferent right now.

Perhaps even unaffected.

I dont know.

I have real problems you know. and this friend of mine is going on about her boy problems. I mean i dont care. i really dont. It's your freakin personal problem, i dont want to be messin' around with it.

Im fuckin' tired.
I want to sleep.

But i cant cos i have work to do and i'll screw to hell if i dont catch up on my work. Exhausted, exhausting, exhaustable.

and you want me to give you advice on boys. i dont care about boys, im sure you heard that somewhere.

EPIC FAIL.

2010-10-27T22:04:00.000+08:00

I feel almost depressed at the state my grades are in.

i mean seriously, eff me, you know.

Teenage Dream.

2010-10-23T11:02:00.000+08:00

I'm so bored even though im suppose to be doing my 203 essay (hehe)

2010-10-21T15:47:00.001+08:00

Study, food, Music.

2010-10-17T12:02:00.000+08:00

Im listening to the Used's B-sides Art Work album ( I dont have this one!) on Youtube. Why the sudden urge to listen to the used? I was watching V Channel yesterday and they played blue and Yellow - one of the main reaosns why i LOVEEE The Used. Its my favourite song besides The Taste Ink. I cant believe i actually forgot that video existed. Then Quinn was almosty platinum blonde and Bert had super super long hair almost like dreads!

now im listebning to The best of Me. "you make me wanna forget" - fave line.

Anyway, with regards to school.

To be honest, school hasnt been THAT bad. but it's stressful and the workload is crazy demanding.

I got a B+ for my News Story assignment which isnt bad but it sint great either. To be honest with you, ive always been good at writing so it sucks to feel like you're no longer good once competing with the creme de la creme.. you become crap de la crap.

Im trying not to be so down and jsut push on. I have 203 Assignment after Recess Week (which is this week) so im gonna aim for a A- though i realise its super tough cos this paper is NOTHING like what ive ever done before -.- And while i have gotten started, not much.

Also, I have 205 group presentations to prepare for. I like my group BUT 2 or 3 (I've not decided if Vicky is) out 5 of us are exchange students. So they really dont prioritise the project and all they want to do is "fake the results". This has come out several sevral times in merely 2 meetings and 1 Oovoo Meeting that we've had. Now 3 of them are away making it impossible to hold meetings! =/

Anyway, i intend to use my holidays wisely, as much as i is humanly possible. I need to relax, but also help my sister with her EOY an of cos do my own pile of work.

My friends and I have been good. Im totally blessed to have made friends with them, there are pretenses and backstabbing and i just feel more comfortable now.

Went to the WKW Paparazzi 2010 play: Exposure and Marcus Cooper is just an amzing creative director. Props to him, we need someone like him in singapore theatre.

anyway, i think that's enough rabbling. I hope to see the girls this week for sakura and i hope to get my much needed Starbucks!! =/

My First Hug from a Wee family member!

2010-09-20T20:44:00.000+08:00

School was a lot better than i expected, its Monday after all. Amidst the drama about my dental clinic, I'm just proud of myself for being this little investigator. And im thankful for all the help that ive been provided with so far.

My laptop is giving me some typing problems and i dunno whether it is the lappie or it's jsut my poor typing skills. Im super irritated right now.

Anyhow, the day starting with my 205 tutorial and that went well. The Aesop fable of my choice was not picked by anyone else in the class (thankfully). Had lunch with Babe while making calls about the dental fiasco and headed for my favourite tutorial!

204 tutorial! YEY. We did another news writing exercise and i read mine out and it wasnt too bad. It helped that Dorothy was such an interesting person... super pretty too!

Then it was rush time to head to 205 lecture. That was dull but i got to sit with Dorothy and Jolene and the 3 of us had fun doing all the silly exercises. Anddd.. i got my first hug from a hug friend by DOROTHY! Im so happy.

I love hugs. And i miss hugging all my friends: Mel, Nic Tan, Safa, Siew En and Lydia, Nic tay and Pei Bao. I hope we'll meet up soon!

Anyway, im already thinking of what to wear tmr. HAH. No bright colours... its Prof Duffy tmr.

Anyway, you know its so tiring after school. The last thing i need is some crying sister from doing math. URGH. Please... if you cant deal with it, then its your problem. I really hate all this emotional trips she makes! It's incredibly frustrating! =/

Chinese class tomorrow. Something to look forward to! :D

xoxo.

The first week of school.

2010-09-11T01:01:00.000+08:00

i apologise for the bland title. So mcuh for learning eye-catching headlines huh?

The first week of school was a lot better than i expected. To be honest, i felt like vomitting on the way to school. Then, i had a difficult time looking for Tutorial Room 4 formy 205 T1 class. Guess what? it was next to the toilet! LMAO.But after that the day got better, dropped by Yunnan bookshop and hanged with babe for a bit.

Another plus, im learning to get us eot go home myself! 3/4 days i went home myself. an achievement, yo since i always loved company when i go home, like think of all the IJ-days! :)

Weds we had hazards lecture which was hell. From the start of the lesson till the end, i didnt comprehend a single thing. What collidng with what again? The lecturer was boring and added to the mix was my unfortunate LACK of understanding of geography. The lectures was spitting countyr names and i was like.. "EH?" Hor-rid!

But thurs was good, i had two lessons only so met with Mun Ling and went shoe shopping. She got one pair and we both ordered a similar pair of shoe. She got it in beige/white while i got mine in... wait for it.. PINK. heh.

It fantastic, okay!

Anyway, she jsut texted me saying that they ahve our shoes already. WEEEEE. pickin' my shoes up on weds!

Also, Im thinkin of getting this bag from HURS. I saw a cute checkered ( i think this is wrongly spelt) one and i think Yacht 21 (HURS sister brand) had a nice too. BUT they cost 70 freaking bucks. Is that worth it? I means, its nice and all but im not sure if it'd fit everything i need daily. I love my dickies but a nice for a new school year would be kinda awesome. LOL.

Let me think about it.

Anyway, to digress. i just watched The Vampire Diaries Season Two Episode One: The Return! OMG. And i think its pretty smart of them to play with the title.. i mean, the return of th series and the return of the Katherine *eerie music plays in the background* I love the episode but then again, im so completely biased when it comes to anything TVD-related. HAHA. OKAY. I love Damon Salvatore (hot mess) but im gunning for Stephen-Elena combo fo'shizzle. I mean them as a couple is like the good of the world completely have won over the dark side! Idealist maybe.. but i can hope!

Will be looking forward to watch the whole series!

I need to sleep, going out with the extended family tmr. OHH. Selamat Hari Raya everyone.

AND, this is Quest. Or part of Quest Crew babe! They are awesome and ive been through the phases. First i loveddddd D-Trix or Domomic (loved him the longest) then i loved Victor Kim (and realised he had a girlfriend whom he is happily with + he can sing, yo!) then i loved ryan imay conferido (just cos he's super cool IMO)

My dad has the worst attitude sometimes. I mean i know its raya and all but does he really have to bee so petty. everytime he sees people on teevee, he keeps saying kakak this is what youre gonna do or something like that. OR even worst, Is this what you want to do? Like get over it already. Im in Communications, fine. But let me grow. Let me slowly decide what i want to do and who i want to be. Dont label me and dont joke about what im doing, cos its serious shit to me. He said it at my nenek's house today and i didnt say anything... oh, and when the credits roll he will be like, wahh. So many Malays. Back stage crew. Do you want to do this? I feel liem cursing right now. anyway, he said again as i was typing the thing about Quest crew cos he was watching the ending of the Malay news and i knew it was coming - his little communications speech. But i jsut told him to stop. and let me grow and decide. He shouldnt be pressing what he wants for me on me. I have to decide.. and that will take time. and then he fell silent. Dont push your ambitions on me. That's just not how i roll. So after a few moments he went up. *rolls eyes* Cant believe he just ruined my night.

super irritated right now.

Oh forensics, please let up!

2010-08-31T11:33:00.000+08:00

so ive been camping out since 10am (its now 11.34am) for my mods.

+ managed to get COM 205; so im doing 4 cores.

- i still have that sci mod: Natural Hazards and society i wanna drop and havent managed to!

Please oh please sci mods, especially Forensics.. please let up!

i keep smelling cookies! HMPFF.

Defining socialising.

2010-08-21T01:45:00.000+08:00

"So the times where you see me out of the house, it's when I run dry of excuses not to.

I do that for everyone though. Even babe. (don't hit me please!! *cower*)"

- extracted from Mun Ling's blog

Okay, sorry for blogging again but this cant wait.

If it does i might not be able to write down my real emotions upon reading this entry from her.

You know soetimes Mun Ling and I can be so different but sometimes we are so in sync its the wierdest thing!

and this entry proves it.

I feel exactly like that!

Okay mine includes the fact that my parents do not ALLOW me out frequently and even then not late into the night (trust me, im so embarassed by how early i have to be back i shant even write it down!).

I dont necessarily hate this rule although yes, sometimes i do hate it.

On days that i do go out, i would appreicate it if i could get home late but coupled with the fact i cant even go out often it kinda makes me really feel like im missing out a lot in terms of socialising.

It has gotten to the point that i too make excuses to avoid going out. I mean it jsut really sucks to have to excuse yourself ealier cos well, you have to be back by XXXX.

My cosmo mates have had 4 outings. All of which i have SKIPPED. so they havent even seen so much as my nose since camp broke.

And i really do want to meet up its jsut im lazy and my bro needs me to keep him in check with his revision and the fact my parents wont let me stay out late than kinda makes me go...

WHAT THE HELL.

Let's just stay home la.

And i really want to meet up so that i can make my tudong premiere if you know what i mean. the last thing i need is noone recognising me on the first day of school becaus of my tudong. I would die like multiple times.

I guess in this case im a more dramatic and extreme case.

I make excuses about going out with babe too (so, stop cowering, babe. did you mean that time when we went to the med check-up @ school, was that one of times??? HAHA. I knew it!). but somehow, we dont really need all these going out to stay in touch. We sorta chat up randomly and well, we still have things to talk about.

So i dont know mcuh about this whole socalising thing. Im pretty much happy with the group of friends i have. I enjoy it everytime i do go out.

however, comms seems to need me to attend all these events that jsut seem unimportant to me.

So i dunno, i feel like shit if i dont go cos it would seem i dont support my cosmo mates but going would put me in an awkward position as i dont drink, i dont dance. So why should i be there?

and here's where they say: "to support your mates, of course".

Well, i dunno about that to be honest.

Ever since my teenage years i ahvent really cared for being in the cool clique (please dont remind e of my insecure younger days). I never cared that i didnt "hang out" withe the prettiest girl (although technically i do cos everyone says Mun Ling's pretty as hell) in school so i dont know if i should change this mentality of mine so that i can fit a little more with this "chillax" crew in comms.

Maybe i just need to find that circle of 5 friends that makes hanging out worth it. That makes events worth going to. that makes me feel comfortable under my own skin. That just is worth my time.

Maygbe its time to redefine socialising.

i feel....

2010-08-21T01:10:00.000+08:00

Its the 21st of august and i can hardly believe school is gonna start! like in freakin' 9 days.

I have mixed feelings about this period of my life right now. And i dont know if i can put these thoughts down quite as accurately as i feel them. Its all a little muddled and right now i guess what i can try to tel you is that i feel well.. tired.

FTS (Ful-time slacker), i hear you say.

Not really.

Since my bro's PSLE is round the corner i have been busy (ultra actually) preparing him for the papers. Its terribly tiring to do tuition so many times a day.

Today for example i started with him at 2.15pm till 4.30pm. Then we had another session in which he did an english paper from 5.15 till 7.00pm while i tutored my sister math - problem sums.

then we broke fast ( well, not me. lol) and rested i caught some sleep and we started studying again at 830pm studying sci which we covered Forces and Environment.

I mean, im exhausted. While going thru the corrections for his science i even had my littlest bro sitting on my lap trying to comfort him cos he was sobbing. I love that boy.

But i just feel like my brain is fried right now. and i have a humongous dilemma.

School is starting and obviously my dad cnt support my expenditure... so i need income from somewhere. but how the hell am i suppose to find tutoring jobs if my bro needs all the attention right now.

Plus, with school starting i'll have even less time to spend for him if i have afternoon classes. Im just a little confused right now.

Maybe to a certain extent i think i even dread the idea of school.

Being yourself is very daunting especially when you meet people for the first time. Its weird cos ive no issues with being myself but somehow it feels different this time.

people say i socialise easily but thats cos im familiar with the surroundings. But now its like im starting from ground zero.

I feel that this quote seems appropriate for me right now.

"Our deepest fear is not that we are inadequate. Our deepest fear is that we are powerful beyond measure. It is our Light, not our Darkness, that most frightens us."

-Marianne Williamson, Return to Love, 1992

And largely because i feel like i want to do so many things and im just afraid i'll fall short of my own expectations. Because ive never wanted something so bad. And not just to do it but to excel in Communcations. to try Radio or writing for the Nanyang Chronicles.

Perhaps im just afraid to find out i suck. suck at writing, at talking in front of people, at essays. I mean, what if i really really suck? =/ Hmmm...

Still part of me feels like i cant wait for the first day of school to be over already... cos then all these anxiety, expectations etc will jsut erode by itself as the student body gets into their study routine or a lack thereof their study routine.

I do question myself a lot.

Im a person who believes in my religion and practices it as much as i can. I wont say im a saint or whatever but i do try to do and be good.

I dont want to compromise that. But will that make me narrow? Will that compromise my abilities in any way?

Will that make me any less better than the others who lack this boundary?

No, i disagree. There is no grey area when i comes to religion. Its black or white, right or wrong. There is no in-betweens.

And i thus i have to thread closely, much too closely between these lines. Im out of my comfort zone.

It scares me to death.

I guess that's my most prominent emotion tonight.

It scares me to death.

And there's only one way to find out if im cut out for this. And that is to jump head first and swim.

SWIM GOD DAMMIT.

I guess that why its called window pane.

2010-08-18T18:44:00.000+08:00

Eminem's latest video has once again stirred up talk and this time its all about how it "glorifies domestic violence".

I beg to differ. I feel that any one who has anything bad to say about this song/video is just not comfortable to admit to that battered women most likely return to their abusive boyfriends/husbands as that it the only place they know.

This would have stirred much less controversy if it showed Megan Fox leaving Dominic Monaghan's abuse.

But Eminem was here to write a song that hits home for many battered women. When you deny this, you do not give sufficient attention to the issue of abuse in a home. The fact is: Abused women rarely leave their abusive past. At best, its a new guy Tom, Jim whatever but with the same abusive habit. He is writing from the perspective of an abuser, it doesnt get anymore real than that.

It's the pain thats the culprit, controls your boat
so they say, its best to go your separate ways
Guess they dont know you, cause today
that was yesterday, yesterday is over, its a different day
sounds like broken records playin' over

He talks about how he lies (i apologise, even though i know its lies) and that the abused (despite knowing he's lying) still goes back to him. Undeniably, he also shows that an abusive relationship doesnt necessarily mean that it is without love (I'm tired of the games, i just want her back) but again it could be the control he feels in the relationship that he really yearnign for.

nonetheless, what does disturb me possibly is that there seems to be no remorse in eminem's lyrics. Therapeutic perhaps, but remorse? In the last verse he writes "I know Im a liar, if she tries to fucking leave again/ Imma tie her to the bed and set the house on fire"

that's the one thing i feel he should have shown in the song, but perhaps thats exactly what hes depicting. there is no "sorry" that would cut it. He cant take back what he did thus perhaps sorrys are just not good enough.

thus while Eminem mans up in this song, and that i give him credit for, it still bugs me as i do want to see if he does change. He's album is entitled "Recovery". I do hope he does recovers as i do believe he has helped many voice this issue that is in dire need for attention form the community.

thus i urge everyone to stop labelling this song/video as "controversial" there's nothing "controversial" about it, its a fact. Deal with it.

There's jsut something about kids...

2010-08-09T23:03:00.000+08:00

"Danial, i cannot play. I have to go home already, okay? Bye"

so in the afternoon, i was just with my brother sitting in the living room and watching teevee, i think desperate housewives was on. My youngest brother was just called back home cos my mom wnated him to rest so the door was already closed and the whole corridor was a lot quieter.

then came these constant knocks on my door.

At first i ignored them cos i figured they were just the neighbour kids that wanted to call my bro out to play, so i thought after several knocks that were UNanswered they'd get the hint. They did not and the knocks kept coming.

afetr which i told my bro to get the door. and being the 18 year old that he is, he did some weird stuff and ended up crashing into the sofa set in the living room again.

so i knew i had to do it.

I opened the door and a sight greeted me.

Two kids were standing at my door.

and they were super cuteeee. My neighbour's kids, the little dude Dnaial was wearing this blue power rangers outfit and his little sister was wearing a spiderman outfit...

!!

OMG. I just gawked and was smiling the biggest (paedophilic?? *see ML's blog) smile ever. LMAO.

A Power Ranger and Spider(wo)man was standing at my doorstep!! OMGOSH.

"This is for Hakim"

"AHHH. Okay, thank you!" (Still with the smile) *closes the door.

This is funny to me. I dont know if you comprehend.

A Power Ranger and Spiderman was @ my doorstep!

HOW FREAKING COOL.

Im gonna get a Batman outfit for my son... fo' sho'.

Okay, i know i sound completely weird. but those are my two super heroes. I mean, we all love (notice no past tense) power rangers! DONT LIE ABOUT IT. and spiderman, with his complex nature of doing right but always somehow someone is not happy with him, that complexity is exciting, enthralling. And how he battles poverty and difficulty in his life. unlike Batman who has all the riches in the world, what with Wayne industries. i really hope my comic book references are not incorrect. That would be embarrassing.

MAN, i love superheroes. I love Power Rangers and Spiderman.

There's just something about kids... and until now, the image of those two @ my doorstep still makes me smile.. albeit less creepingly!

Are we feeding attention seekers?

2010-08-04T13:48:00.000+08:00

YO.

So, i know everyone knows that i hate Facebook, or well, hated facebook. Can you use it and still hate it? Maybe so. BUT, ive actually grown to enjoy FB. I like that you get insights into people's life, their thoughts as they go about the day, their bad photos(or good! but let's be frank here, we all get more bad than good ohotos tagged, right?), their favourite quote of the day and of course you get to join groups (my personal fave!) thus you get updated instantly on your favourite fashion labels (ie: F21 sprees and new lines from clubcouture etc).

So everything so far is fine and dandy. Even my initial fears of adding unnecessary "friends" have been squashed (at least for now. DL is the way to go, love).

But what still bugs me is jsut how many poeple put there life out there for all to see. Eg: XXXX (name) wishes she wasnt born. OR XXXX Stressed out right now. Need comforting.

And then you see these slew of "comments" of comfort.

Okay, some are for real, like these people need to get off their chests soemthing thats hurting/making them angry etc.

BUT some of these are completely UNnecessary attention hoggers who wants these caring "comments" on their wall. To perhaps feed their hurting soul. But seriously, dont we have bestf? Or even freinds to confide in.. why choose the internet, why FB? Why premiere it on your Wall? Might as well publish it in the newspapers, people? Actually tell me about it, im thinking of a job along the lines of journalism, i could write it down for you... your emotions and your expressions, everything.. or perhaps what i wirte wouldnt quite cut the 10 words that you publish on your wall!

URGH.

Honestly, honestly.

Baring your soul. Or seeking attention?

And we who reply to these statuses... what are we encouraging? Ive got a freind who confesses to this and HE was disappointed that I wasnt one of them who commented back about his sorry status. Instead I being the truly caring person approached him on a more one-to-one basis (albeit its not personal) via MSN.

I means SERIOUSLY. Do this poeple want constant adoration and constant reminders of how the world world cares. Guess what?

They dont. Afetr they take a minute of their lives writing that comforting "commet" they went around looking for other sorry souls! So yours was jsut one of many!

Oh my people. Stop being caring. If you truly do, please dont use FB to interact! Its just an opportunity for cheap adoration and comforting words. Why show the whole world why you care?

Its a mutual thing. The person who writes and replies ARE both attention hoggers.

This may all sound skeptical but i seriously think there is an issue here.

And FB is not the way to go about resolving our issues.

Technology may make is easy to comfort somebody, but it doesnt mean its genuine, honest and real. I'd rather text call somebody close to me then get 10 comments on my Wall about how my "friends" care for me.

Any day.

I do admit i still enjoy FB. But maybe, people should jsut put more thought into what they are putting out there.

I care about myself, and i know who truly cares about me. If you did, you know FB is not the avenue.

This is why i'll always have an appreciation for The Maine

2010-08-03T17:38:00.000+08:00

Hey.

So i know i dissed Black and White especially right girl but this live performance ~~almost~~ makes the song really good. And gosh John, gorgeous as ever. with an acoustic guitar? BONUS!

And it so nice to see this band love each other and they perform so well together. Its just... heartwarming.

I need a plaid shirt fullstop.

I love The Maine, probabbly always will.

Not my favourite The maine video but im so glad its not about girl (typical!). At least the video is classy. Like how The Maine should be.

BTW, Hey Monday's new single "I Dont Want to Dance" is horrible. Lyrically, melodically. I mean seriously. WHY? It is suppose to be upbeat and like anthem for dumping your dude. NOT COOL. NOT NICE. Sorry, this song sucks.

2010-07-31T12:55:00.001+08:00

http://www.funkygrad.com/campus/displayarticle.php?artID=1198&subcat=rave

2010-07-29T22:05:00.000+08:00

So just when camp ended, another important social event is up. Basically for WKW there are 3 events that you should be a part of, and basically mark in your calendar.

The first is FOC in which i did attend, obviously. the third i assume would be graduation.

The second up and coming event (which is the prime topic tonight) is Dinner and Dance which will be held @ Oosh @ Dempsey, themed Riviera rouge (italian for Red River). Its approximately 2 weeks into the school year (17 Sep). Look, i do want to go to this event. Its 55 bucks, thats not so much the issue BUT...

It's a freakin bar... so there will be alcholic drinks... pork etc. Basically its not halal.

This is the real world right? I mean all functions will have drinks and pork and my world doesnt quite overlap.

Will i forever be scrutinised and ostracised in the comms world for not coonforming to the majority? I understood this way before i got into the course. I knew i was gonna be different in so many ways. My perspective, my core beliefs and my choices. I dont want to be punished or belittled due to these differences.

somehow, in the next few years, i need to stand my ground. And somewhere the lines are gonna get blurred but i have to stick to my guns. I never said going into this course was gonna be easy.. but overcoming the challenges is gonna be tiresome and its gonna be tumultuous.

Nobody's gonna ask if you want halal food anymore.

I get it.

WKWSCIFOC 2010 RSVP

2010-07-24T12:19:00.000+08:00

Who are, Who are, Who are we?
We are, We are Wee Kim Wee
Who are, Who are, Who are we?
We are, We are Wee Kim Wee
Who are we?
Wee Kim Wee
Who are we?
Wee Kim Wee

WEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEE.

10 Reasons why WKWSCIFOC 2010 RSVP is the best camp ever.

1) We learnt our official school cheer. Its the cutest cheer ever. EVER.

2) There were NO dirty games and i mean couple games. No hormone raginf games at all. Classy and ridiculous mindfucking games is how WKW does it.

One of the Scavenger hunt things to do.. take a picture of 4 different types of babies.

Meet Bo Ren.

And then meet Boborella! This was called Project RunAway.

3) Getting mindfucked is a super awesome feeling.

Meeting to plan a mindfucking experience for freshies.

4) OGLs, AGLs, SAs (Senior attach)and even our OG Photgrapher Jason were the most dedicated group of people i have ever met. they helped us clean up, take our food, throw our food, encouraged us, took care of us when we sick (I had fever on the fourth day and my AGL Edwin made two trips outside NTU campus to get food since i had to take panadol. We even could just ask for anything. So i got Mac nuggets and coffee.) And always asked if we got any scrapes and first aid was ALWAYS ready. They bought numerous bottles of water for us everyday so we could hydrate ourselves and Edwin carried the bottles. We had maybe 3 plain water and 2 100 plus bottles. Could have been more and we drank water like we were at a desert.. and they kept buying them especially during Amazing Race. They know when we felt disappointed and still encouraged us and never allowed us to feel bad.

Marcus Cooper Ukelele (that's his real name!). He is soooooo awesome! Sob sob he wasnt on Finale night due to YOG commitments. I love his Malay accent.

Pedro our SA assisting during pool Games (fourth day)

Edwin (AGL), Jeremy (SA) x,x, Yan Yu (OGL)

Zohan (OGL) AMAZING DUDE.

5)I made friends.

6)I now know where my classes will be (at least i know the LT and some tutorial classes)

7) I cheered my head off cos i truly believed and loved my OG and everyone innit.

Cheering for Kamikaze after Amazing Race ( we were third and K were 4th): Im your biggest fan/ I'll follow you around until you love me/ Kami-Kami-Kamikaze!

Our first Challenge and we won it, and we're doing a cheer!

8) We had WKW's rockstarrr Marcus Cooper Ukelele as our SA and im just so happy i know him. He is so cool and funny. The prime example of how you should have fun in school.

This was the night we slept at 0530h. Basically we were suppose to have supper but we were all too tired. So Edwin and a few SAs took his car and drove out to get supper. While waiting for food we all slept as much as possible. We were told it was gonna be a long night, no kidding. I slept in between the two trails and while waiting for food. It was a looooonnnnggggg night.

9) Everyday was a surprise. We met at WKW, headed to Sentosa to sleep at emerald pavilion for the first night. Then we slept for two nights at East Coast chalet (that was rocking as we stayed up late playing games like the neneh (dont laugh, its exactly what it is) game, some Jap game and card games and eating Sarpinos. Then we slept at the corridors of WKW at 0530h (yes, friday morning) only to be woken up at 0900h (yes, Friday morning) for friday's activities, thanks to guests arriving at WKW (yes, im not kidding).

10) I probably should not have this in black and white but... CI club president is errr... cool(think IJ's hakim). A Malay is the President of the WKWSCI, which really encouraged me as it shows me that the school allows you to be who are you and flaunt your creativity and individualism. In that sense, anyone can thrive in this environment if you play with your strengths. BTW, when i say CI Club, its really like the Council of the school. so they plan events and manage the school so its not like a book reading club okay. "my job is to go for the meetings with the other schools' presidents... show my face... wayang wayang laaa" LMAO.

So there ARE indeed two groups of people in this world.

The ones who have been to FOC....

And the ones who have not.

I RSVPeddd. Im proud to the former.

*pictures credits to FOC Photo team!

RSVP

2010-07-18T12:51:00.000+08:00

So im headed off to camp.. 5 day camp. Which im not like 100% looking forward to. I think im jsut over thinking everything. So i should take a deep breath... and release.

I packed my stuff.

Im chatting with my ogl and she's like "this camp will be awesome!".

I dont really know what im really nervous about.

Is it that we're freshies and im sure they'll make us do really embarrasing stuff?

Is that there are pool/water games which im not sure i'll be so comfortable with?

Or is it that im so afraid everybody there will look so good and i'll be an oddball?

Im just trying to keep an open mind and be positive. POSITIVE, POSITIVE, POSITIVE.

Besides, theres like 30 people in each OGL so, it really can be that bad (i hope).

Moving on...

I received my F21 stuff, which is basically 2 jeans. It fits really well, even at the bum area. lol. I think F21 jeans have the best fit for me. My giordano's while i like their pencil fit jeans, its a little loose in the bum area.. so it makes me look like its saggy or something.

Im glad i ahve most of my money back too. HAHA.

i should jet. im so nervous about camp it makes me feel like sleeping off the day! -.-

On to the next. Im not very impressed by Black and White by The Maine. Check it out at Youtube. Their hardcore fans have already uploaded videos. TRS' fantastic album has not even been uploaded and it was released MUCH earlier! So far, my favourite tracks are: Inside of You, Every Road, Listen to your Heart. I absolutely hate Right girl. I like the chorus but the other verses are jsut EURGH. Its about "doing the wrong thing/ with the right girl"??? I mean, really? And i think its one of their singles. I think they picked that, inside of you and growing up as singles.. but i dont think thats a strong set of singles. I would have preferred Inside of you, Every Road for the fantastic melody and maybe Saving Grace as that complements well with Inside of You.

Look, they deemed this album a Rock album, but only Inside of You has that sound strongly. Everyhting else sounds more mellow and sounds very Daisy-like. Maybe with better melodies? SO im quite disappointed. Butttt... as with CSWS, im sure this album will grow on me. Who knows?

xoxo. See you in 5 days' time? BABE, stand by your phone esp @ night. i might call you. HAHA.

I wont say the album SUCKS. cos it doesnt and i know that The Maine of all bands use a lot of passion and heart to write... but i would rather listen to CSWS. I cant even find like an inspirational line in the songs and they only have 10 songs! -.-

Is this what americans really do?

2010-07-12T23:31:00.000+08:00

I like that Mayday Parade has this song. most fans rmb them for the emotional songs in A Lesson in Romantics like Miserable At Best but this is just uplifting and well, as much as i hae that they are having sooo much fun, perfect summer time song?

Hell yeah.

i cant say i regret anything i said, i was being honest.

2010-07-05T23:36:00.000+08:00

Go Radio // When Dreamng Gets Drastic

Can this be just a little more heart and a little less consequence
So this is what you think about
But did you have to say it all out loud

But i know Im wrong.

My new favourite band to listen to.

2010-07-04T23:51:00.000+08:00

A: i really never meant to hurt you. But its all a little too late, so i understand it doesnt quite cut it.

My last chicken rice

2010-06-29T22:13:00.000+08:00

Im using my new Lenovo lappie. Im quite pleased. Early birthday present from Dad. Awesome. My first very own laptop. LOL.

Round up the week:

I know you think things are the same but they are not. So no, i prefer going to the loo myself, thank you very much.

I cant be bothered with secondary school. So im letting it all go. Starting by ignoring you. Okay, ive done that already.

Other thn that, my day has been AWE-SOME.

A customer complimented me for my English. He said im better than this job. Im so pleased he feels that way. He also said that NTU is a very good school and i belong there. HAHAHAH. That sorta made my day.

Headed to Sakura on thurs for mother's birthday. Cant wait for that one.

Okay then. Talk to you when i do! xoxo.

Noone is as lucky as us/ We're not at the end, but we've already won.

2010-06-27T22:00:00.000+08:00

In my dad's car after giving Zaki a lift, the issue was brought up again.

This time it ended with my dad saying Let bygone be bygone".

And i gave him a glance and shrugged and let it go... again.

I cant rmb my 10th birthday. Im sure it wasnt too bad. I rmb by 11th though. I got a discman and we celebrated at my aunt's place. That year i got a polaroid cam, a discman with 2 CDs ( some greatest hits compilation) and a perlini necklace from my aunt. It was an enjoyable occasion. I'd probably have to say P5 was my best year in my entire life, perhaps?

My 12th birthday on the hand, was quite the opposite. I'd say that was a bad year all around. Didnt matter the occasion or month.

Today, my sissy celebrated her 10th. Besides the fact i hate prepping for a party it brought memories of how my birthday was never a bonanza like my younger siblings. I wish/hope its jsut from poor memory. I never had a huge ass cake.

aturally jealousy crept in. But as i was wearing make-up for my sissy i realised that i should instead be thankful for this day. My siblings didnt have to go through what i did. They dont get to feel shitty and the family is tgt extended or not. We have shelter and we have food.

Most importantly we've moved on. And while i lost a lot, my trust, my faith in what can be defined as family, in the recent years of my young adult life, ive gained what i lost and perhaps gained so much more: insight, principles, individuality. And i am now a strengthened and empowered being.

While we cant always have what we want in life, God always gives us what we need. At certain junctures in our lives, what we need is enough. Enough to finally work and get what we want, because we need to earn that to appreciate it more.

Happy Birthday, Sissy. Youre fortunate as hell to have everyone you love around you today. I hope you counted your blessings.

And remember, Let bygone be bygone.

Was blinded now i see.

2010-06-24T23:17:00.000+08:00

hey.

ive been busy with work and catching up with all those forms by my uni. Let me just rant about htis whole application process okay.

1) WTH cant we just pay an amount to have out passport-sized pics posted for NTU Admission Offices to have our matriculation card readied?

2) The freaking thing has so many deadlines, different and staggered at that, that i for one am confused.

3) i just realised how tired i am about being an adult. Filling forms, expecting letters, working, getting paid. i mean seriously, im so over it.

point no. 3 is not helped by the fact that i went shopping with my dad today to get sissy's birthday present. OMGGGG. All the wonderful toys they have for kids now! one word: EN-VI-OUSSSSS.

LOL.

i mean play-doh for ice-cream maker. Sme crisp maker, ice-cream maker etc. I bought her this machine thing that enables you to create your own bling. You know that thing you can use to decorate your phones, books etc. I had it on my stapler in junior college.

Anyway, a lot of things have changed which ive not written about.

Work is becoming increasingly tiresome. I am a simple person. I dont drama but i do admit i cannn be melodramatic, only cos i think its hilarious.

but thats beside the point.

There's too many hating aroung the office that it gets sick to listen to people repeat stories.

And to A:

I dont think i can ever trust you the way i ever did. Many things are holding me back. I appreciate your apology, and i accept it. Its been long awaited, to be honest. Youve hurt me too much and as a friend, being hurt and for a lack of proper reason is just plain insulting and ridiculous. It clearly shows how you lack respect for me and for that i lose my respect for you. Its different seeing you doing it unto people, and thats what i thought then. But now, having experience it myself, i dont know how i ever tolerated how you did it unto other people whom i have now grown to love. How could i have been so blinded by you? Perhaps, i treasured you and trusted you enough not to do it to me. But you did. And one day, i gave up waiting for you to come around. I miss everything we had but im clever enough to put a stop on something that is not good for me. So yes, im your friend. And yes, i'll listen to your rant. But no, i dont reapect you on any solid grounds. And no, i wont confide in you.

Im not sorry this happened between us.

To F:

I miss you already. A hell lot. I feel like im having some sort of withdrawal symptom. I always looked forward to seeing you after my lunch, even if its just to peek at what youre doing or to say hi. And now, i'll never do that again. Ive enjoyed our conversations, our laughters and our tears that were from our laughter. I love how youre confident of yourself, and how you carry yourself. I do feel you are a great role model who has driven me to be a better person too. I think what i'll miss most are our conversations where we shared our experiences and how we were both great support for each other in difficult times. You will be successful, let that be known. I dont have a lot of tudong friends who are like me and you are one of them. And i appreciate that God has shown me in the short time that i have known you that people like us dont have to be afraid of being different. We are great because we are different. And even with this tudong on, we can do anything.. or almost anything such that we can live our lives to the fullest. Thank you for teaching me that, friend. Im glad i have your desk.

I cant wait to leave work.

TGIF.

Love Syuhrah.

The Ready Set

2010-06-20T12:23:00.000+08:00

There are two main boys who are solo acts but perform with a band who i totally am fans of.

Think Owl City.

The two of my favourites are Never Shout Never (NSN) and The Ready Set (TRS) led by Christofer DREW (or INGLE) and Jordan WITZIGREUTER respectvely.

I have to say before their debut albums were out, i totally digged NSN more. He had that indie vibe a lot more. Doesnt mean i support all his actions but again, truer to the indie vibe. Christofer smokes pot, smokes, is super tall and a red head and he wears all these funny/weird stuff (sailor hats, grandma's scarves) and he has loads of tattoos... but his songs are also... a lot of indie (i love you 1, 2, 3 sho-be-dooo), he plays with the ukelele while TRS has a more elctronic sound, and in that sense more "marketable".

I grew to find that i could listen to all these funny lyrics by NSN maximum 5 songs per album cos after that, it jsut gets weird. His songs are short and it may seem a little whimsical so really 11 songs take you barely an hour to finish listening. Of course he has great lyrics like "youre only as tall as your heart will let you be/ and youre only as small as the world will make you seem" but it might all seem to dreamy. so maybe its not so much an album you can listen to daily but more when you need to kinda have a moment to yourself, a little ppick-me-up.

But I was listening to TRS's debut album "Im alive, Im dreaming" and i have to say he has an impressive album. All the songgs are really easy to fall in love with. He effectively keeps the essence of TRS with their electronic vibe and clever lyrics. Very impressed by the clever lyrics. And while i dont really like "shoo-bee-dooo" done by NSN i really like the "Ohhh" done by TRS. Okay, dont ask me why. Its jsut so much nicer to listen to, i suppose. Again, jsut an opinion. Songs like "Spinning" ahve this old-ish vibe that is freaking addictive. First single "Love like woe" is an excellent pick as it pretty much brigdes his EPs to his debut. Reminds you of Stays Four the Same, Atmosfears and Soular Flares. And i have to give NSN credit to for his first single that i did talk about "What is Love" as it does show his core beliefs and puts him in a vulnerable position as it was written from experience. And being vulnerable can be something that empowers one as it shows evidently in NSN's music.

NSN's growing fanbase is undeniable seeing he jst headlined the AP tour (similar as to how ATL hidelined it 2/3 years ago and The maine and FF5 co-headlined it last year). But im pretty sure, TRS will be hitting some big tours

So i think i pretty made it clear. Between the two, TRS has the better debut album... while both are worth a listen. Maybe signing to DecayDance wasnt so bad, i guess Pete Wentz has taste and eye for some solid talent?

BTW, im listening to another band like this called Breathe Electric. AWESOME.

It was real for me.

2010-05-29T23:34:00.000+08:00

Im watching the Vampire Diaries.

And ive learnt one thing.

When you love someone, you want to live with him forever.
And when you can live forever, you would want to live with him and him alone.
Because without him, there's just no reason to live forever.
Then forever merely becomes nothing, with nobody to share with it with.

I have the slightest crush on ian somerhalder.
HOTT vampire.

Move away Edward Cullen.
Hello Damon Salvatore.

rob them of their ability to control us.

2010-05-25T22:24:00.000+08:00

"We have to listen to our emotions and we have to be true to them.
Unfortunately, we can’t decide whether they will be emotions with good
energy or negative energy. But what we can do is express them fully and
immediately. And thus we purge them, and rob them of their ability to
control us."

Gabriel Saporta / Cobra starship

HE finally blogged again. And this spoke to me clear like crystal.

Im sorry if i made it hard for you. i dont ever want to make it hard for anyone i love. But i could not see you hurt again. I could not see you giving yourself away so unnescessarily. I could not see you sacrifice your happiness for someone else's.

And sure, the first person i thought abt was myself, but only because i needed you today. and you werent there. I kept glancing over your seat beside K and you werent there. It struck 10 and i asked K and he claimed that he called you but you never answered. Then, i got a text during lunch from you asking abt him.

How was that suppose to make me feel?

I was sitting there alone doing escalations, hating it so much.

I wanted to cry.

But honestly, im sick of crying.

Im sick of crying for my job, about my job.

And thats why im leaving.

and you lied to me.

you were cryign for him all along. Who are you? are you my friend? Then why werent you here? He didnt even need you as much as i did today.

And now, you wont be here for another week. And i honestly dont know what the hell i would do without you. But apparently i know what you would do without me. Cry about him.

youre pushing me away. And i know, this is lousy for your PIC to say this, but you are. i cant stand it when people dont see whats really in fornt of them. waste their seconds on things that hardly matter in a few months time.

I want to help you.
But im sorry, im only doing it if youre willing to go through with it and not look back.

Is he even worth it?
sure you love him so so so much.

But trust me, he's not your last. No boy who's your last should make you cry like you did.

You know when you first started dating him, you started doing everything with him. Things you use to do with me. Smoke, eak lunch, go to the loo. everything.

I lost you.

then he left, and it went back to how it used to be. And i shared your happiness because i am happy for you. And you made me want to believe that people could love despite circumstances.

But now, we're back to square one.

you cant only live on your boyf, A. You need your friends too. Im jsut not sure im the right one anymore. I want to be. Awal said i would know how to handle you. But here i am. And i dont know how to. And it makes me feel bad.

So tell me. What can i do, PIC?

You make breaking hearts look so easy

2010-05-21T00:25:00.000+08:00

Hey all.

Im even starting to sound like the emails i send out.

Boring bland. aimless.

I do need these 3 months.

Recuperate. restart. replenish. my energy, my perspective, my strength.

Im gonna miss everyone. There is so much that im leaving behind but leaving can be for good still.

And perhaps, im still struggling to gain your acceptance. I may be accepted by everything and everything else, but you. You are the one who cringes and critises me the hardest. My skin's too blemished, im too short, i laugh too loud. I probably will never be who you want me to be. But, im happy. And if youre not happy with yourself, then im sorry but you ave to live with that. Dont make me miserable cos you are.

You have to live with your mistakes.

Im tired of counting backwards, of thinking where i went wrong. I still can make mistakes and live wiht myself. But you. You have to live through it looking into our eyes. And youve never said sorry explicitly. Its always covert.

And i dunno if i'll ever be able to let it go. Youre a coward. And i wish you'll learn to be brave. cos im tired, the family is, of covering for all your mistakes.

i love you. but you taught me that love has its limits.

you taught me damn well.

Too well.

and i have to live with you. I have to stop believing ppl can change completely. cos its deceiving me. It makes me put donwn my guard. And i cant do that with you around.

Blow the candles out tonight

2010-05-15T00:50:00.000+08:00

The week didnt start off too good.

Im starting to hate my job.
you know the stress and shit, its not the thing that bothers me. Im the sort that cries and moves on. I carry myself through the finish line.

But what frustrates me is the fact that i know things wont change with the company. Look, i may be 20 years old, but i know a sinking ship when i see one. And i hate.. i reiterate HATE to work with people who dont carry their weight.

And it sucks cos it makes my job and my fellow CSOs jobs' so much more harder. Im gonna finish up my contract and just leave. PAck my stuff and leave the place. I dont think i wanna go back for holidays either. Everybody's leaving soon enough too. Angel, Shamini, Atiqah... its better this way.

Suck the poison out and heal slowly but surely.

It kinda felt like Eat-like-a-fat-kid day for the first two days of the week.
So frustrating.

Im ready to walk out. There are too many rules, and the culture is runined, ruining, in ruins.

Im just biddng my time.

Should i buy a new dress tmr for monday? Lol. I do feel like splurging. but maybe not. better to be safe when it comes to finances than sorry huh?

Ive been listening to Hey Monday's record Hold on Tight (i think) and well, i'll admit they arent as bad as i made them out to be. There are decent tracks... the only problem is that they all sound the same after a while. The stand out tracks are probably Candles, 6 months (not considering hit singles) as it shows of her vocal range, the non-shouting part. But i enjoy Arizona a lot too, especially the chorus.

All the other songs, and without back up vocals, and all the echoes, merely her voice, it gets dull, predictable and at times unbearable.

Its mid-May already. one and half months - 4th July.
Im dreading monday.

Holla.

say you're with me...

2010-05-02T23:29:00.000+08:00

I just accepted NTU's offer.

I felt jittery.
It feels almost life changing.

But you know, it'll only be (truly) changing if i do well and really stand out in the course. And I intend to make use of the course and tools to its fullest. Maybe i hesitated because i didnt know if i could thrive in such a competitve environment (heard there are many projects), then there's that self- doubt creeping in.

But there it was: 2 choices - NUS FASS or NTU Comm Studies.

IT either that i blend in among the thousand over students in NUS and feel safe or stand out, maybe even stick out (hopefully not like a sore thumb)in the WKWSCI.

The answer's obvious isnt it?

Maybe the doubt came because blending in is easier. And standing out will take a lot of effort, and even take me out of my comfort zone, which is scary.

But i cant let what ifs and fears drive me into believing that im not capable of standing out.

So, im taking a leap. And hopefully it pays off.

SUBMIT.

Im matriculated, is that what they call it? LMAO.

Im lovin' these songs right now.

My favourite song right now. I like how their voices sound PERFECT together.

But The Rocket Summer's Hills And Valley is super inspirational. I was awestruck by the video.

I feel so freakin commercial nowadays. HAHA.

IJ

2010-04-26T22:17:00.000+08:00

Just cause things have been really good, i think i expect everything to continuously be good.

Good and easy.

But it really isnt that way.

Some days, work is good.

There are even times its Great.

But of course there are days when i just cant stand being at work, and i want to go home and rest.

Then there's the cancelled dental appt.

I mean, that freakin suckssss like hell.

Im just tired.
and im complaining.

and i feel like crying.

These are the days i wished i was studying. not teaching. within my comfort zone, of my ugly IJ uniform. And witin the safe perimeters of my friends. And knowing that i culd just look up, turn around, and i can make a funny face.. or nudge somebody or mouth something stupid.

and knwoing that somebody would readily provide me a listening ear, a trip to the loo, a hug, a smile and a tissue, a sweet.

And tell me "dont worry, i feel you. Just dont worry abt it."

I miss that.

I miss knowing that then, all i had to worry abt was getting a good grade.
Impressing teachers, being smart.

Cos now, all i can think abt is the pressure of everything else.

And i really need to sleep. and cry.

I should feel better tmr.
I miss IJ's library and canteen.

It was just always there after a bad day at school. And i always took forgranted. And now, all i wished was for me to be there.

With anybody, Kannan, Safa, Fahmie, Mun Ling, Nicole.

ANYBODY.

cos i just really need a hug tonight. maybe some math problems. lol.
a little vectors, function, transformation.

hahah.
miss wong would be so proud.

Thanks safa!

2010-04-24T23:26:00.000+08:00

Caramel frappacino + whipped cream + I + braces

PINK BRACES.

2010-04-20T23:32:00.000+08:00

I got my braces!

LMAO.

Only the front teeth but its already so uncomfortable.

I cant imagine having it all throughout my mouth.

But i shant complain.

Seeing Safa tmr, cant wait!

Why the hell not?

2010-04-19T22:20:00.000+08:00

i got my offer to enter Communication Studies in NTU.

FREAKIN' HELL.

I was shocked out of my mind.

And honestly, it was 7 plus in the morning but all the jumping just woke me up in such a rude and yet pleasant manner.

It was kinda ironic how i was super late for work and yet, i knew that if i didnt open the envelope at the end of my bed to even sneak a peek at what was written, i wouldnt be satisfied. All i was thinking was like " I NEED TO KNOW".

And at first was like "Shit. ITs jsut sayin that they received my application..." But i saw "congratulations" and "communications studies" in bold and i walked into my room before i saw my dad sitting at my desk and i was like " PAAAAAAAA... i think i got accepted in comm studies at NTU...!"

JUMPS LIKE A 3 YEAR OLD.

DUDE. I was like dishevelled, was wearing a low cut blouse and my dad totally didnt care. He would usually be like "err.. hello?"

HAHA.

I texted EVERYONE.

EVERYONE i could think of.

Then go to work, and scream and hug AGAIN. HAHA

this was a pretty good day.

Im happy, fortunate, thankful...

ANd NTU, I choose you. WHY THE HELL NOT?

I could fight a war like a veteran

2010-04-17T20:29:00.000+08:00

So today im gonna do some pic update. Show you the office, pics not taken by me but supervisor Jo. Then, i'll put up my x-ray pics. then, maybe some music update.

Let's go, hey ho!

this is the old desk, but this is AngelMyLove's desk.

Now's the place looks more like an Office. We have our own little space we can deck out. My place is a mess, as always. I'll do something with it, then post pics, and go round other's and take pics too. We have creative ppl here. (back, front view of place).

My swollen right cheek. Sorry i look freakin unglam. Well, i always look unglam.

this pic shows my wisdome teeth. SEE, i FOOOUUURRRRR. And its all under the gums, so can you imagine what he had to do, no wonder i was bleeding for 2 days each time. The threads are super annoying. Hopefully i get them out on Tuesday.

this one shows my left side with the teeth taken out. The wisdom and if you can see, the 4th teeth from the back is also missing. HAHA. I didnt get an x-ray copy of my right side though.

So i really want to put up pictures i took of my teeth, but i think it would really GROSS. HAHAHHAHAHA.

Buti swear my wisdom tooth is epic. It can stand like a table, cos of the four roots.

As you see, my face is pretty swollen.

But tuesday is braces day, and hopefully i'll hang with safa so i can share it with her. I bet i look like a DORK.

I just got slammed by Awal. LOL. i sorta asked for it.. but come on, i was kidding. who takes the table stuff seriously anyway?

-.-

Note to self: never wish for a man u lost in front of Awal.

Moving on, im listening to Breaking Benjamin now. One of Rock's successes. Successfully managing to be commercial and yet completely honest.

Breaking benjamin - Give me a Sign

And i love how the video ends. I dunno if you get what i mean, but its makes my heart stop. A life for a life?

Next has to be a Vampire Weekend, one of the most underrated commercial bands this year. Maybe this video will chnage things as it has all these cameos from Jake Gyllenhaal(okay, i copied this somewhere, pretty sure its correct LOL, JOE JONAS * cue: fangirl screams*, and Lil'Jon.

Vampire Weekend - Giving up the Gun

Oh, and you gotta love this song, i like the dancing! PERIOD. HAHAH. And i think Luda just killed it, so much respect for him. Look, i definitely dont have bieber fever BUT, this is good, this i could put on my Nano and be proud of. HAHA.

Justin Bieber feat Ludacris - baby

To see if you have the BIEBER FEVER check charlieissocoollike's video. HILARIOUS. you know the funniest thing, the dude doing the dance with charlie, has a linkin park shirt on. A MUST WATCH.

Okay, maybe i should so something indie now.

I dunno if this will be in the new record or something, but im digging the electronic vibes from The Maine man. Kick ass song. I enjoy This is the End too but, i think i prefer this one more.

The Maine - You left me

Last one, baby? I think i talked abt this song but didnt preview it. Its Brighten.. Oh, dont we miss good melodic love songs?

Brighten - Without you

worthy of lyrics to be shown here.

i could make a mess of a good thing
try to think it through think of everything
ill never get engaged with a mood ring
and thats why i need you
ill never look for love it will find me
take me by surprise it will blind me
i never know it could be right behind me
and thats why i need you
my darling i need you

she dont know what to do
she wont call me
i never know where weve been
but i know you love me

and i wont ever lose to you
i cant do a thing without you
no i wont ever lose to you
cant do a thing without you

i could fight a war like a veteran
give you a little more like a gentleman
learning from before be a better man
and i know i need to
i know i need a heart like the one you have
i know i need a love like my mom and dads
i try to stay cool when things get bad
and thats why i have you
my darling i have you

she dont know what to do
she wont call me
i never know where weve been
but i know you have me

and i will never lose to you
i cant do a thing without you
no i will never lose to you
cant do a thing without you
no matter where we are
no matter where we are
you know everything about me
she dont know what to do
she wont call me
i never know where weve been
but i know you have me
and i dont ever lose to you
i cant do a thing without you
no i never lose to you
cant do a thing without you
cant do a thing without you

It's songs like this that make me believe in love. 'nuff said. that make me want to fall in love.

Man U won. WTH. So close.

Let's end this on a posotive note, i REFUSE to let that result end my entry.

Perfecto!

P.S: I watched the Guiliana and bill Marathon. My mum and dad doesnt like me watching that show. Says its a rich people show, and we dont live like that. But i can dream and maybe even believe i can get that right.

A career.
A husband to love and come home to, be angry to.
soembody i can laugh with, whether colleagues, family or husband.

Im not aksing to be a millionaire, and i dont watch it cos they are. I watch it cos it makes me want to be there some day, one day. Cos if you dream small, then you will be small, thats what i believe.

So to everyone who says im a dreamer, i call you a non-believer. Dont set a limit on what you can achieve, especially when youre 20. you can do great things, you just have to brave the failures too. Cos that's winning.

Love.

2010-04-16T11:03:00.000+08:00

You may not be her first, her last, or her only. She loved before she may love again. But if she loves you now, what else matters? She’s not perfect - you aren’t either, and the two of you may never be perfect together but if she can make you laugh, cause you to think twice, and admit to being human and making mistakes, hold onto her and give her the most you can. She may not be thinking about you every second of the day, but she will give you a part of her that she knows you can break - her heart. So don’t hurt her, don’t change her, don’t analyze and don’t expect more than she can give. Smile when she makes you happy, let her know when she makes you mad, and miss her when she’s not there.

Without you // Brighten

2010-04-11T16:57:00.000+08:00

I'll never look for love, it will find me
Take me by surprise, it will blind me
I never know it could be right behind me
And that's why I need you
Oh darling I need you

My favourite song from the Be Human EP, hands down.

I like it the way it is.
Uncomplicated.
Honest.
Amusing.
Cheesy.

Safe.
Especially Safe.
I need safe now.

It freakiin` hurts.

2010-04-09T23:15:00.000+08:00

YO.

*talks muffled*

So, anyway i got my teeth extracted yesterday. like 4 of them, 2 of which were wisdom teeth.

I have to say Dr hong is excellent, cos the process took 2 hours only. And well, the fact i had stubborn teeth was really not helping him. One of my wisdom (upper jaw to my right) had like 4 roots.

And i know many of you think this is gross, but i totally kept all my extracted teeth. I dont really knwo why and where i'll keep em but, i jsut find it amusing that i get to keep my teeth. ROFL. Dr hong was so astonished by my 4 rooted teeth that he took a picture of it since i told him i wanted to keep it. HAHAHAHA. My tooth had its own photo shoot!! OMF(as in freaking)G. Well done.

My face on my right is pretty swollen up and i cant talk properly cause i have gauze between my extracted wisdom teeth still. I cant believe i'll have to go through this like for more than a week longer! Im hope to get my other extractions done on Weds. But omg, the swell. I have 5 day MC. but there's no pain really. Just a little uncomfortable and i ahte not being able to eat hard food -.- Minor thingssss...

Its preventing me from going to work, and today is the last day the company's gonna be at Toa Payoh, and i didnt get to bid farewell to my buddies like Donovan, Jia Xin, Hui Li... and it totally bums me out. At least my stuff that i forgot to clear have been shipped off to Genting Lane so thats one less worry.

But i think i mioght not be turning into work tmr still. My face and my inability to talk prevents me from doing my job, like hello? Im a freakin CSO. WE talk A LOT.

So, i guess i'll be seeing everyone on Monday then. Hope Atiqah's coping with training.

It kinda sucks not see Genting Lane with all my friends, but its okay, they were all pretty cool and said they'd help with it when i come back.

I had a miss call yesterday during my dental appt, i hope it wasnt a university. Lol, its private no. so cant be huh? and plus it was like 730PM.

Oh well. I need to surf the net a little, cos i need to charge my phone. I hope one of my good friends come online, then at least i ahve somebody to accompany me through this night.

OUCH, that's gonna hurt.

2010-04-07T17:42:00.000+08:00

Holla.

I came back from my SMU interview.

It was strange.

But i suppose it was a pretty nice personal interview.

I couldnt seem to impress the lady interviewer though. she had a straight face like 99.9% of the time.

And of course, Accountancy came up. I dunno if i did enough. I feel i did.

Let's see what props up.

All students had a B average in the interview. Psyched for more interviews.

Oh, i have to extract 8 teeth.
4 of which are wisdom teeth.

Damn right. i have 4 wisdom teeth.
Im that wise.
4 this week, 4 more next week, and then braces.
I hope this plan is flawless.

then, finally i can say goodbye to my buck tooth in a couple yrs time.

2010-04-05T23:44:00.000+08:00

i honestly dont believe 20 year olds can fall in love?

Do they?

You dont have to feel safe to feel unafraid- : lights

2010-04-02T17:23:00.000+08:00

I found out something abt myself this week.
And im starting to figure out that maybe my last rship had something to do it.
But then again, that could be me trying to blame things on him.

Im not sur ehow love works anymore.

Do you seek it?

Does it find you?

When do you know its there?

Is it real?

I mean, something jsut sparked this interest and maybe im too young to know the answers but...

I always said to myself it'll come at the right time, the right person, but there is no right time is there?

Okay. Maybe im thinking too much.

company's shifting next weekend. Its good friday today. ANd its 5.27PM and ive been listening to Lights. I started with February Air, but now i have to say Face Up is my favourite. So mch strength, and i ened that now. I dont feel like myself these days. I feel like that 14 yr old kid trying to re-discover myself. Im not too sure whats got me shaken but I want to do this.

Face Up

Its late and I am tired, wish I could spark a smile
The place is flying high but right now I want to be low
Dont want to move an inch, let alone a million miles
And I dont want to go but I know I gotta go
I just want to feel alive

CHORUS
The times you dont want to wake up
Cause in your sleep its never over when you give up
The sun is always going to rise up
You need to get up, gotta keep your head up
Look at the people all around you
The way you feel is something everybody goes through
Dark out, but you still gotta light up
You need to wake up, gotta keep your face up

Seems like the more you grow, the more time you spend alone
Before you know it you end up perfectly on your own
The citys shining bright, but you dont see the light
How come you concentrate on things that dont make you feel right
I just want to feel alright

CHORUS

Im looking for more than a little bit
Im gonna have to find my way through it
Gonna leave a mark, Im gonna get a spark
Im coming off the ground
I wont be looking down

1ST APRIL. BIG BIG DAY.

2010-04-01T13:25:00.000+08:00

Im standing in for Jo today, so its been pretty chilled.
But coping with escalations is very... inetresting.

Awal jsut felt officially.
Kinda sucks to see everyone slowly leave.
And will be weired not to see him aorund anymore... like how i dont hear mohsin singing a duet with angel anymore. HAHAH.

Dont we all miss those times??

Anyway lunch soon.
I need a vacation soon.
But then again. i need a lot of other things. BLAH.

Update soon.

PS: NO CALLS FROM OTHER UNIS. BAH. ADMISSION CLOSES TODAY. I CANT WAIT.

short fuse

2010-03-31T10:28:00.000+08:00

i need nic's feel good juice, i need a bar of chocolate and i need to crawl under my blanket.

cos i feel like shit today.
and i wished i was anywhere but at work.
preferably, in my bed.

x
x
x
11.31AM
As if the day could not get worse.
Powerspace broke out. The band had so much potential.
I will miss them. I will always love Sleep Everyone.

bah. I WANT TO GO HOME. EXPECT RANDOME SHORT ENTRIES TRHOUHOUT THE DAY.

3.0oPM
Just came back from lunch.
Ealrier, i found our My American Heart borke up too. Sigh.

5.53pm
i FEEL MUCH BETTER.
works ending soon.

CIOWX.

IDGAF

2010-03-30T19:28:00.000+08:00

@ 4PM plus, i found out my dad was picking me from work, and i was excited. That would be mean, less time spent on the train sardined between people.

fast forward to 6PM plus, im quiet in the car and feeling like "OMG. Can i get out of here ASAP, please".

My dad wasnt nagging but I was disappointed yet again about my braces.
I mean which part of "I want Braces" is so hard to comprehend? I eman, seriously, Which part? Do enlighten me so i can explain it quite clearly.

I jsut want to make the bloody maould, get the bloody braces ALREADY.
Thinking of it being delayed everytime makes me cry because ive never quite wanted something so much. And maybe, knwoing that im so close to getting it, and YET not getting it, frustrates me.

And my dad and his delays, its jsut..

I dont want to be selfish. I dont want to be like "No, you cant touch my money".

MBut my patience is running thin.

And if i dont get my braces done in a few weeks specifically within APRIL, i swear i'll throw a tantrum and my parents would hate it, cos when i throw a tantrum, my face is black and i basically dont get out of my room and jsut sleep once it hits 10pm. And i'll cry and basically, i'll make you feel really bad.

I think the whole situation is that my dad keeps telling me he'll use his bonus blah3... but because his company is shit, i have to deal with it. AND I DONT WANT TO DEAL WITH IT.

I WANT BRACES PERIOD.

And he keeps raising my hopes with all this talk about how he'll help me with it but its nothing... it just falls thorugh everytime. And i have to deal with the disappointment... and it makes me cry.

Hell, it makes me cry jsut typing it out.

Im pissed. Im pissed that he keeps saying shit and never comes through with it. and i know its not his fault, but then i make my sacrifices, so why doesnt the family?

It jsut makes me sad.

And i hate disappointment.

And i hate seieng my friends with braces because it never seizes to make me feel like really ugly.

Im going to get my braces, with or without my dad's help. To hell with it. I getting it within April.

Because we are so afraid to lose someone we love

2010-03-30T10:35:00.000+08:00

Daydream Away

I wish you could see your face right now,
‘cause you’re grinning like a fool,
and we’re sitting on your kitchen floor,
on a tuesday afternoon,
doesn’t matter when we get back,
to doing what we do,
‘cause right now could last forever,
just as long as I’m with you,

We would go out on the weekend,
to escape our busy lives,
and we’d laugh at all the douche-bag guys,
chasing down their desperate wives,
I would drink a little too much,
and you’d offer me a ride,
I would offer you a t-shirt,
and you would stay another night,

We never stood a chance out there,
shooting love in real-time,
so we’ll take it over ice tonight,
with a little salt,
and a little lime,

You’re just a day-dream away,
I wouldn’t know what to say if I had you,
and I’ll keep you a day-dream away,
just watch from a safe place,
so I never have to lose…

Tonight I'm chasing dreams, and leave you chasing me

2010-03-28T12:35:00.000+08:00

Map // Let's Get It

No I don't wanna be in love anymore
'Cause I don't wanna lose you

These memories used to mean, everything to me
But I can't (I can't)
No I don't wanna be in love anymore
I can't stop, what I
Can't stop, but I
No I don't wanna be in love anymore

You should know by now you're my heart, my soul
You're where I start and where I'll go
'Cause we've been through worse than this
Yeah, I'll be gone for a minute, but don't forget
All the saturday nights, gathering inside the attic tight
We didn't know what we were doing but you said we'll be alright
Butterflies, my hands were shaking
Better love that we were making
Take a breath, let it out
Another night, another doubt

These memories used to mean, everything to me
But I can't (I can't)
No I don't wanna be in love anymore
I can't stop, what I
Can't stop, but I
No I don't wanna be in love anymore

We flip through pages of thought
Second-guess if what we're doing all worth doing or not
'Cause sometimes you gotta fight for what you really believe
But sometimes you just let go and don't forget to let your heart beat

These memories used to mean, everything to me
But I can't (I can't)
No I don't wanna be in love anymore
I can't stop, what I
Can't stop, but I
No I don't wanna be in love anymore

All those nights
On the phone when you said, boy I'm lonely
Come over
(No I don't wanna be in love anymore)
You taught me how to sweat, let the mic do the rest
When I wake up, I wonder where the time went

Believe me when I say girl, this ain't so easy for me
We made sacrifices, do what we do with hopes of something better
'Cause I don't wanna lose you, but girl I can't let this go
And so...

No I don't wanna be in love anymore

These memories used to mean, everything to me
But I can't (I can't)
No I don't wanna be in love anymore
I can't stop, what I
Can't stop, but I
No I don't wanna be in love anymore

Tonight I'm chasing dreams, and leave you chasing me
If you're not here, No I don't wanna be in love anymore
Tonight I'm leaving home and it hurts but, I know we're gonna make it
That's why I say, that I don't wanna be in love anymore

This song has been on replay on my Ipod for a few days. I heard like a onth ago but they didnt have their EP Digital Spaces out then. But now, its out, and i have to say, its rather impressive. Every song is fantastic. Im kinda bummed that Duck, Duck Grey Goose was made into a MV (check it out on myspace) instead of Maps. But i can understand why. I mean, its a more "fierce" song, and it does effectively encapsulate the band's sound, they sound very jock-ish, frat boys ("How many times must I tell you?/we're second best no one" - Do Not Disturb)... with a cool electronic sound.

And they break the typical punk band image as the front man, Joe is an African American. Interesting.

But Maps has this honest lyrics and i can imagine many people being able to relate this song. Having to move on but still wanting to hold on to everything before. At first, i thought it was about him wanting to let go, but finally i understood, he really wants to hold on and make it work.

you know, when i see all my friends who have boyfriends and some are committed, others not so much, it makes me wonder which group i fall in.

I guess it depends on the guy too. One guy can change everything about the way you view love ,cant he? But then again, there's the matter of age and when its "best" to settle down. And the "stable" guy. What is the "stable" guy? my god. I think im hanging out with too many people who have their life written down already and im questioning my own. Of course its not priority now. But its strange to see everyone talking about marrying and boyfriends when im so far from that. And i dont mind. Maybe i jsut enjoy this freedom. Not being obliged to have to update my whereabouts. TO make time for the other. Its just so blahhhh to me. Why should my free time be used for somebody else whne i dont even feel that i ahve sufficient for myself?

LOL. I guess i belong to the former. Commitment will scare the hell out of me i think.

Im gonna write the email to Mrs Abilash now. LMAO.

Cheerios.

2010-03-27T23:03:00.000+08:00

i should email Miss Lim OR well, Mrs Abilash as she's called now, shouldnt I?

But no, i'll email her tmr. OMG.

its 28th March already. submissions must be in by 1st April.
GAH.

I still need to contact Mdm Chitra -.-

Also, Had dinner at Eatzi with Kannan, Fahmie and Safarina.
It was awesome to catch up with them and listen to all the ghosts stories and all that NS stuff and uni applications. I guess its cos its nice to feel like a 20 yr old again - one that's going through uni instead of being a 20 yr old and working. Its two different life experience - both good but... different in so many ways.

I know youve heard of TGIF but have you heard of TGIS. Lol.
Thank god its sunday.
A proper rest day.
I know i should sleep, but i really dont want to.

Poor mum. She's stuck in the office cos there was some problem and she has to stay in late. this is really rare so it must be really serious.

She's be on abt me going out too much. Which honestly, i have not.
Not in comparison to my friends at least. I know i sound like a 14 yr old as i type this, but seriously. Oh well. I guess if she really pushes, i'll have to put in POV on the matter.

She'll be pissed but i intend to stand my ground. At the end of the day, if i dont overspend, and dont neglect my duties as a sister, daughter I think it outght to be fine.

I dunno. Im going to continue to watch Taking the Stage.

I miss being a 20 yr old slacker. I needed to say that.

sometimes you just let go, and dont forget to let your heartt beat.

2010-03-27T17:18:00.000+08:00

I got a call from SMU for an interview.
I really want to get an NUS or NTU call.
Kills me to know i cant stand a chance, really.

So many things to look forward to. But sometimes, i feel like its all wasted cos im too tired, ignorant to enjoy it.

Like today.

nobody owes me shit.
So, i feel like crapp when my dad had to thank me for doing him a favour. Maybe it was my tone.

I should watch my tone.

Pray i'll get a call from any of the 2 unis soon, can?

xoxo

I know i'll be okay with the rain or thunder

2010-03-22T22:46:00.000+08:00

You know, these past few weeks, i have been a little more eager about finishing up with my admission to the local universities.

Ive left with submitting NTU's appraisals. And im still kinda torn on who should be the last person to write my appraisal. I need to figure this out. I was thinking i'd take a half day on thurday and then head to school to see my teachers. I just feel its so much better to see my teachers and ask for appraisals then merely texting. Everyone can text, then again they might be busy.. DANG. That would suck

Oh, also tmr im heading to SMU drop box to drop off the documents. I think Safa and I are being a little paranoid but then, its her dream school, so i do want to support her =D

Work has been fine. Im tagged alr. Much to Awal's delight.

Ive been tired these past few days. I need to sleep. Like now. LOL.

I guess i'll update more in a few days' time.

Not meeting the girls... everyone's jsut too busy =/

Pool lost, but thats not important (yet painful) LOL.

xoxo

We all have Bigger Dreams

2010-03-18T22:35:00.000+08:00

I wonder if people ever pick up the phone and call a call centre and think about the other person ont he other line?

I mean you could possibly have ruined that person's day. Made them feel bad about themselves. Do you THINK abt that as you criticise them?

A lot of ppl are moving on from the CC. Attempting to make a better life. Working here has made me realise what i dont want to do. Sit a cramp office and pick up calls. And be under somebody.

I want to be better. Maybe thats why i wnated to do well for A's even more. To prove that i am better than a CSO. No disrespect to CSOs around, its a helluva tough job. Especially with how some people are.

I might stick around. It could be interesting to see this change.

IT really shocks me, how big people's dreams are sometimes. But it doesnt surprise me when people do realise it, and take that leap. cos we all deserve that leap. For some, its the only leap they need, and will only have.

Take yours. It's time to move out of that shithole.

when the excitement dies down

2010-03-08T22:33:00.000+08:00

I need to rant. but i feel selfish for having to do it here.
And ranting's not good either.
So, im not going to do it.

Let's just put it this way: Becuase im the oldest, i have to give up a lot of things. And even in this moment of my life, when i want to be an individual, blood ties me to make a "correct" decision. So the decision is- family first.

I could listen to this song the whole damn day.

But you are the only exception

2010-03-07T21:37:00.000+08:00

I think i made my last entry a little too Oscar-ish.

I hated the entry.
Maybe cos i was at work when i typed that out, it sounds a little i dunno, like it didnt suffice.

Maybe i'll delete that entry. Still deciding. You know, i was reading my FEB-JUNE 2009 entries, and they were some pretty dark entries there, with lots of curses. And im so glad i faced that part of my life instead of calling it quits.. like i could have. God, did guide me correctly and i am so thankful to have him by my side all the time. And i know that no matter how hard i could have studied if God had other plans for me, then all my hard work would not have amounted to anything. So i am indeed blessed to ahve this fighting chance this year to enter the uni of my choice, the course of my choice.

The weekend passed fast and tmr its back to work. I dont know what to think abt work honestly. Then, i still have to talk to my parents about my application.

And i want my dental appt done already, get my mould done then get my braces done.

I understand that i should relish this moment, and i know you guys are thinking whats the rush? but, ive been waiting for this moment for so long. one year over. And im takig all this in. From when application has to returned to my plans till i enter college... Im just bursting with things i want to do.

Hello opportunity.

PS: I loooovvvveeee the new Paramore song The Only Exception, if only i could dedicate that song to a boy. Okay, let's not get into that. Im just saying by the way, lovely love song.

The day is great... and exhausting

2010-03-06T14:59:00.000+08:00

there are many celebrations worth celeberating but this has got to my biggest yet.
I waited one whole year for this day, and my my did yesterday taste sweet.

thank you Allah. Alhamdullilah.

im gonna bretahe today cos yest i was like goign at 100pmh. Crazy day of shrieking, shouting, hugging, stamping, jumping. THE BOMBSHIZZLE.

2010-03-05T00:35:00.000+08:00

i need to sleep. its 12.35AM.

it was nice talking to Bryan tonight.

And im so glad i get to talk to Awal about AI, im such a geek that way. Everything also must discuss.

bla.

goodnight world.
it's really time.

Im still painting flowers for you

2010-03-04T18:55:00.000+08:00

i cant get that line out of my head.
It's my msn nick, and now my blog title.
Fantastic.

I think its so great that many of my fave bands like All Time Low, 3OH!3, Metro ad robert smith etc are featured in the Alice in Wonderland movie. I dont particularly think that its an excellent mix, i expected Alice to be more stringy, crazy with a whole orchestra and all.

Think Jai Ho for "slumdog".
But i think 3OH!3 did a decent job.
The closest song that sounds epic enough to be part of Alice is Robert Smith's A Very Good Advice. In Transit by Mark Hoppus and Pete Wentz is pretty good too. But i think bonus track by FF5 - Topsy Turvy is just plain weird! I mean i love Soul Activatur but its sooooo... weird. LOL.

Anyway, i met up with Safa and Nic today. Had lunch since its half day today. Took a day off for tmr since its results day then on Saturday im working full day BLAHHH. HAHA.

Meeting up with them was great, Safa was having her panic attack again, but hell, i'll probably be in worst shape tmr so i'll let her hyperventilate today.

I guess that is all i wanted to say.
More news tmr ;)

Im crazy nervous, i dont know if you realise this.

Go on, get up.

2010-03-02T22:30:00.000+08:00

hello.

I finally can use the Internet at home. My mum didnt pay the bills. HAHA. I cannot believe it actually happened and there was my dad blaming us for the internet not working.

You know whats so great about this moment right now?

Im in my living room. Im listening to My Favourite highway. The teevee is switched off. My parent sare not back. My siblings are upstairs. So im here. With my thoguhts. I was battling.. should i blog? OR not? I decided to, as you can tell.

I chatted with melv, and texting with kannan but lights off for him soon. There's this slight buzz for friday you know. Its like, people are talking with their eyes about friday. You just know they are thinking about it.

Im going back to the school i spent 3 years of my life. So much great memories and yet so much im ready to let go. Ready to grow. This wont be my home for long. But change is good. change let's you develop. And another place will help me grow to be better. I just need to know where that home will be.

Im taking leave for Friday. Safa, meet up early okay. We go eat, talk, catch up then we can start bawling fest at 2.30pm.

See ya.

whatever tmr brings me, i'll be there

2010-02-27T17:16:00.000+08:00

HAHAHHAHAA

SURPRISE.

Im actually blogging.
My gats.

Anyway im at work, its freakin` 5.17Pm on a freakin` Saturday... AND IM AT WORK.

I managed to clock 94 calls on a saturday! thats even more than a weekday =/

Anyhow, results will be out on 5th March.

Ive been stashing the brochures of the Uni somewhere... freaking SMU sent them in like super bright green folder. one word: blinding.

Anyway, ive been feeling a little bad for not hanging with my Babe when ive hang out with the girls like 2 time already. Not even for her birthday.

Im so sorry for being a horrible bestfriend, babe. I will meet up... SOON.

anyway, 5th March, there seems so much at stake. Ive made plans but ive not said to anyone yet, cos im nervous. I do have expectations, its difficult to not expect anything. And its different this time, becuase you know failing is real. Like, i went through it last year, so, i know that i CAN fail again. Im not being pessimistic. If i improve from by prelims at least by a grade (more for my math and lit), i would have a really decent grade. but, econs and history. its 2 H2s that im really afraid about right now.

there's not much a plan B really. I hope i have good news to share come next entry.
I miss good news. like, wildly good news.

work's been okay, i have relocated my seat today. starting from monday im no longer sitting between my two favourite colleague. BOOOOOOOO.

At least i wont be going to ROM. HAHA. And speaking in Malay. HAHA

CIOWXED man.

Nic, you got a new update.

Love you babe.
Love you nic.
Miss you SAFARINA.
MISS YOU GIRLIES.

Bring back the city skyline as your souvenir

2010-01-22T00:11:00.000+08:00

hey.

You know, ive not been here for one of the longest times ever. And i dont even miss it. Surprising no? And as much as i planned to be a potato couch, i really dont miss anything about it. Of course some days i do miss them teevee moments but there seems a lot more for me to learn now.

I dont know if i can do that till July, but i'll try. It's basically my only source of income.

Sometimes, when i talk, i dont feel like myself. I feel the whole Out-of-body experience more often. Maybe course im still getting use to these people. And they are a great bunch of people maybe i jsut dont get along with that on THAT level y'know. But they do make me feel comfortable and all i can say is: Im glad im in CC2 and not CC1. the lively atmosphere of CC2 is just sufficeint for my daily dosage of happiness.

I have been thinking about Alevels a whole lots lately. everytime i think about it, i get the creeps. the hibbily-gibblies you know. not very nice. then i have to silence the deafening scream of my heart with music or teevee or the voice of customers.... at this point, i dont know which is worst. im jsut taking it all in day by day. that is the only thing within my ability.

Im listening to Joywave on Purevolume. Im listening to their Purevolume Live sessions. The first song i heard from them was electric choir and let me tell you, you will enjoy it... and certainly didnt expect to enjoy it, but i did! =) Too bad they only have 1 song for dl.

I feel a little mellow right now. I dunno, after talking to babe today, oh well, texting (since, when do we have time to chat anymore???), i feel like im losing myslef to routine. I feel like im not laughing the way i did, not interested the way i did. Maybe im jsut putting too much thought into this.

Imma get out of here. Gonna dl one last NSN song, and im out.

Talk to you whenever.

hope all is well on the other side.

WERK WERK WERK

2010-01-06T23:05:00.000+08:00

i really meant WORK WORK WORK.

HAHAH.

I have a great mentor. Who i get along great with. And CC2 is just full of awesome lively people, the kind of environment i thrive in. Today was the first time i actually handled calls and did the whole system.

AND i managed to meet the requirement of 60 calls per day! FANTASTIC right? that is how busy the call centre is these past few days.

Tmr i'll be by myself already.. cos my mentor has to be at CC1 to help somebody else. Oh, cafeteria food is like Innova standard in terms of prices, and i think quality its also comparable. How happy and thankful can i be???

Im worried about lunch though. i dont wanna eat alone, that'll be baddddddd! HAH.

Anyway, its really tiring to work. Honestly, i miss everything about home and im jsut 3 days into work. like wthhh right? i miss ellen degeneres in morning, oprah in the afternoons and all my shows like 90210. BOOOOOOO. that's the only part that makes me cry. But i must persevere.

And besides, at least, im not rotting and getting fat, at least not im getting fat and working right?

RIGHT.

Love you. PEACE XOXO

*****************

HAPPY BIRTHDAY TO THE BEST EVER FRIEND I EVER HAD. I LOVE YOU. PARTY FOR TWO SOON. the two-oh babe. love, syuhrah.

Happy New Year!

2010-01-01T20:43:00.000+08:00

Happy New Year, you guys!
have a rocking 2010!

I am excited for the new year, hell yes. But URGH, the thought of results is killing me.

Ive been busy and so have my friends, hence they ahve been a lack of gong out. I feel like a have soooo much to do within these two days before my freedom is taken away from me, thanks to work. I have to help my sibs prep for schoool (HAHAAH... THEY have school!). So, i write names, wrap their books halp them catch up with their studies so their brains are rusty when school reopens. Then i always have to prep for my big day - the day i start work. BLAHHHHH. Suddenly i wished i didnt really have to work till 6 everyday except weekends.

And i really had a few things planned for gatherings, like my 0732A girls then with BABE too cos she's turning 20 like in a blink of an eye! I CANT BELIEVE IT. I still dont know what to get her, and i still dont know when we can actually meet up to celebrate. Its been more than month since i last saw her.

I feel like im losing my freinds, and its kinda scary. Perhasps they are all really busy with vacay and all.

I hope i get to meet Safa, Kannan, Fahmie before Kannan signs into camp again. At least ive kept in contact with him. God only knows where Fahmie is. Safa is on vacay, Mel is on vacay, nic probably just came back from camp, babe should be in her post-wedding state.... OMG. Is anybody thinking about me???????

I need to meet up with somebody soon or else, i'll jsut go into a frenzy.

I love boys like girls. they are coming to s'pore. GAHHHHH. BRYAN DONAHUE IS THE CUTEST THING ON EARTH, JUST SAYIN' AGAIN.

okay, lets get going. See ya. Till whenever, take care you guys.